Random Nights

I'm usually the type of person who likes to have this organized and planned out before following through with things. But I also love just randomly calling up your cousin or your friend and just setting up something right then and there for that night. It's great!

So the other night I went to my cousin's house to ''Girl's Night.'' That included myself, Nikole Thomas, & my cousin Nicole. Yes the two Nikki's. - They are like my sisters, forrealz. Haaha. My cousin Nicole was the one that introduced me and Nikole to NewLife Worship Center. That church is a live moving experience. And now the three of us gals are on the road to God.

But anyways, the other night we went over to Nicole's house to watch Paranormal Activity - the version not showed in theaters! DUDE WTF. I was scared all over again and that ending was a whole lot better than the original. Craziness I tell you. And to top it off Jake (Nicole's husband) kept randomly coming down and scaring the CRAP out of us!!!!

Can you tell we are 'scared?'

But we made Jake take this picture since he loves to scare us.

Me and Nikole Thomas ( she's the one in the middle) suck at making scared faces.

Nicole (right) pretty much has it down.

Munchies!

Nikole & Nicole thought it was be funny to order a medium SQUARE cheese pizza.

I have weird phobias, one of them being square pizza. Freaks me out so I can't eat it.

Hardy ha ha, so funny. NOT.

& This picture is just random, because every 2.5 seconds I would just start snapping the camera.

What can I say? I love pictures, but they were making fun of me haha.

------------*

Then the next night Me, Alex, Tony, Kyle, & Mia all went out to eat at Hong Kong! Fun stuff, and good food. Plus I haven't has Chinese food since I was 9 months pregnant, since I heard it would induce labor. And God knows I was doing everything and anything to get Mia out. We took Mia home and my mom babysat for like an hour so we could drop Tony in Providence since Alex didn't want to get lost alone.

This is what our car ride consisted of.

This was when Tony was the one driving. I kept trying to blind him.

I have NO clue what happened that night. No drugs or alcohol involved, Just me being high off life.

Yes I am completely aware how dangerous this is.

Singing a song!

Okay no, I was kidding. This is me screaming.

& This is me smiling!

Dammit Tony, you never smile kid.

So yeah random nights, awesome. Drinks to that!

Merrrrry Christmas

Okay so it's not Christmas anymore, obviously haha. But I did not feel like blogging last night, super tired and I had to clean my whole house with my mother cause she's a nut.

Wanna know the best thing about Christmas was? I DIDN'T EVEN CRY. Okay I was kidding that wasn't the BEST part, but it was a good thing that didn't happen. And I honestly thought I was going to! But I didn't I was so happy. I got more than enough for myself, and Mia got so so sooo much! I'm so grateful and happy.

Mia usually sleeps in to like 9 or 10 sometimes, but she must have known Santa came so she woke up at like 7:30 haha. I was excited for her 1st Christmas so I wrapped every.single.gift under the tree for her haha. She got a Sophie, books, leggings, an umbrella stroller, clothes clothes clothes,  a DVD to watch, Toys toys and more toys! & a Jumper thing, but she didn't like that too much, she's too young though.

 

WTF with this guy.

12/22/2009

2:17 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

hey!!!

are you there???

amanda??!!!

……………………………………………………………………

2:20 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

later!!!

……………………………………………………………………

4:01 AM

Amanda:

I didn't mean to ignore you earlier I was upstairs trying to get Mia to sleep

……………………………………………………………………

4:02 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

it's okay!!!

how is she???

……………………………………………………………………

4:02 AM

Amanda:

She's good!

……………………………………………………………………

4:02 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

how are you???

……………………………………………………………………

4:02 AM

Amanda:

I'm good too thanks, how are you doing?

……………………………………………………………………

4:02 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

not too bad!!!

……………………………………………………………………

4:03 AM

Amanda:

That's good to hear

How the familia?

……………………………………………………………………

4:03 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

good!!

hey!!!

……………………………………………………………………

4:04 AM

Amanda:

I'm happy to hear that

hey

……………………………………………………………………

4:04 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

i still have chance to send you those papers Amanda???

……………………………………………………………………

4:04 AM

Amanda:

Do you still have them>?

……………………………………………………………………

4:04 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

yess

……………………………………………………………………

4:04 AM

Amanda:

Send them!

The lady called me today asking about it cause she didn't hear from you

……………………………………………………………………

4:07 AM

Amanda:

Did Nereida get the package with all the presents yet? Do you know?

……………………………………………………………………

4:10 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

idk!!!

shedidn't!!!

i just ask her

……………………………………………………………………

4:10 AM

Amanda:

Oh alright thanks lol

It should be there soon though I sent it out on the 15th

……………………………………………………………………

4:11 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

how your x-mas going??

i'll let you know

……………………………………………………………………

4:11 AM

Amanda:

It's not here yet lol, but it's going good, Mia's first Christmas! so exciting

Thanks Javier

……………………………………………………………………

4:11 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

i told her to tell me when she get it

……………………………………………………………………

4:11 AM

Amanda:

lol okay

can you do me a favor?

……………………………………………………………………

4:12 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

yeah

……………………………………………………………………

4:12 AM

Amanda:

I need you to watch a video

You don't have to tell me how you feel about it, but I feel like I need to show you this

It's about God

……………………………………………………………………

4:13 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

what is it??

……………………………………………………………………

4:13 AM

Amanda:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

Just watch it, it's only like 6 minutes. Just try to understand the message

it's very uplifting and beautiful

But please just watch everything

……………………………………………………………………

4:14 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

hold on i'm gonna watch it

……………………………………………………………………

4:14 AM

Amanda:

Okay tell me when your done

……………………………………………………………………

4:23 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

done

it's cute

it got deep on i

……………………………………………………………………

4:24 AM

Amanda:

I just wanted to let you know .. sometimes we get lost in things but just remember to keep fighting and God will save you

……………………………………………………………………

4:24 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

i just don't wanna fight anymore he know's it!!!

……………………………………………………………………

4:25 AM

Amanda:

Well he's with you Javier

And I always pray for you

……………………………………………………………………

4:25 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

my dad said hello!!!

……………………………………………………………………

4:26 AM

Amanda:

HIIII! tell him i miss him and love him!

Hola te extrano y te querio muchoo

right?

……………………………………………………………………

4:26 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

yeah

……………………………………………………………………

4:26 AM

Amanda:

……………………………………………………………………

4:27 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

he's lmao

……………………………………………………………………

4:27 AM

Amanda:

lmao

……………………………………………………………………

4:27 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

lhao

……………………………………………………………………

4:27 AM

Amanda:

hhaha cute

hows gordo?

……………………………………………………………………

4:27 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

so gordo!!! lol

he's good!!

……………………………………………………………………

4:28 AM

Amanda:

haha good! tell him i said hola too!

……………………………………………………………………

4:28 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

i did

and he said watagatapitusberry

……………………………………………………………………

4:29 AM

Amanda:

lmfao

……………………………………………………………………

4:29 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

you know that song??

……………………………………………………………………

4:29 AM

Amanda:

i saw that video

haha yeah from you

……………………………………………………………………

4:29 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

on my myspace??

……………………………………………………………………

4:29 AM

Amanda:

yep

……………………………………………………………………

4:30 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

isn't funny??

……………………………………………………………………

4:30 AM

Amanda:

yeah haha

how francheska and the baby?

she's so beautiful! fabian is getting huge!

……………………………………………………………………

4:31 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

they are ok

they just got an appartment the other day!!

 

12/22/2009

4:31 AM

Amanda:

I know I saw her status Im happy for them

……………………………………………………………………

4:32 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

oh!!

……………………………………………………………………

4:32 AM

Amanda:

your sister shelly wants me to go to WI in the spring time

and stay with her

with Mia

……………………………………………………………………

4:32 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

thats good

……………………………………………………………………

4:33 AM

Amanda:

yeah

……………………………………………………………………

4:34 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

i'm going of line... i'm gonna watch the 2012 movie

……………………………………………………………………

4:34 AM

Amanda:

okay have fun

& tell me how it is!

……………………………………………………………………

4:35 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

have you watch it???

……………………………………………………………………

4:35 AM

Amanda:

nope not yet

i want to though

……………………………………………………………………

4:35 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

i'm excited cuz i just get it

……………………………………………………………………

4:35 AM

Amanda:

lol sweet

……………………………………………………………………

4:35 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

well

i'm leaving

bye manda bye mia

……………………………………………………………………

4:36 AM

Amanda:

okay i guess i'll talk to you later then

bye javier

……………………………………………………………………

4:36 AM

SUPERKRIPPY:

i love you guys

 ----------------------

 

I cannot understand him at all. And I don't have the heart to just ignore him, I don't. I'm trying everything to just fight the feeling off. I'm not doing a good job, but I think I'm doing a good job in not showing him.

I'm acting as though I'm great and life is good, when on the inside I'm hurting a lot. So much confusion and stuff. But I won't let him know that, I can't cause then he'll know how to play me over and over again.

I have to be strong this time, for Mia.

Pity Party.

The last time I talked to Javier was over a month ago. I didn't try to make contact with him or anything.

Two nights ago guess who sent me a request on myspace? Just take a guess .... Javier. Surprise Surprise! I didn't think he would try to make contact with me, since you know, he has a new girlfriend now and everything. But, none the less he did.

So I accepted the request. And let me tell you I was like sick to my stomach.Five minutes later I get a message from him, "Why won't the chat thing work?" I didn't know. So I IMed him on the myspace chat thing.

He asked how I was and I told him I was doing pretty good. Then I asked him how he was, which was a mistake, cause his reply was "I'm pretty bad!!!" Oh jeez. Here we go. Pity Party on myspace chat, yay!

Basically the whole conversation was about how he has 'given up on himself.' He doesn't want to look for a job, he wants to quit school because it's just too hard. Blah blah blah blah blah.

I wasn't a bitch to him, I'll be honest. I was annoyed but didn't want to tell him that. Obviously he was just looking for sympathy. I basically told him that of course college is going to be hard and education is the only thing that can't be taken away from him. I tried to be encouraging but he was just so negative about it.

25 minutes into the conversation, he finally asked about Mia. Then he had to go and told me he would talk to me another time. Whatever.

I don't know why he's doing this. I think he likes to mess with my head, seriously. He acted as though we haven't talked in the last month. So casual. I don't understand his motives at all? Why are you talking to me, aren't you happy with your new girlfriend? Go complain to her. He does this all the time. Just as I start to feel better, he comes back into our lives.

Love me or leave me alone, Javier.

As the days go by..

These past few days are getting easier. I can honestly say I haven't been thinking about Javier as much. I haven't been caring about all the ''What Ifs'' anymore.

Since I have Mia, I will always have some sense of love for him. Meaning, I want him to do better. I don't want to see him get in trouble. I will say though, he was truly blind to let me go he had it all and he didn't know. But someday he will realize the grass isn't greener on the other side. I was the women that stood by him for everything, that's his loss.

I wouldn't say I'm over it completely, I still hurt sometimes. But I think it's safe to say I'm at the beginning part of acceptance of my healing process. Give me more time, and I believe I will be fine. Maybe one day I will even look back and laugh at how stupid I was for staying as long as I did.

With the Holidays right around the corner I was feeling upset because I don't have a significant other to spend it with this year, I didn't have him. But as I look back to last Christmas, I remember him basically, well, ruining it for me. Christmas Eve, he was suppose to come to a family party with me, but he instead with to his work party. He never came home that night. I waited up till 4 in the morning for him. He never answered his phone, his friends answered it completely cocked and told me he was passed out somewhere. Oh thanks guys. They told me they would take him home in the morning.

I waited the next morning, he strolled into the house all hungover at 1:30 in the afternoon. Thank you Javier. And this may seem shallow to some, and I'm not somebody who wants extravagant gifts and whatnot. But I spent thought and money into his gifts. Yes gifts, plural. I got him a stocking full of everything he needed, a new toothbrush, underwear, a new electric razor, shaving cream, body wash, etc. Then I bought him very nice cologne and the new Usher CD. When he came home that day, he went into our room for about 30 minutes. He came out with a card and $50 for me.

I appreciated it, but I would of rather had a gift from him. That he put thought into, ya know? And although I won't have him this year, I'll have Mia and that's enough for me, cause she won't be late to Christmas! Haha.

Since I'm on the subject of Christmas though, I went overboard with Mia seriously. I was only going to get her like 4 things. Nope, she has well over 15 gifts from Santa. Gifts from my mom, my grandma, my other grandma, my aunts and uncles, and her Godparents.

I know you can't spoil a newborn, but this kid is being spoiled with gifts this year!

Two Months Old!

Lord, please make her stop growing. Freeze time? Is that even possible?

My Mia is two months old as of today, December 10, 2009. It's absolutely craziness how 2 months ago from today I was in the hospital crying in pain, haha. But then at 10:07pm, here came my precious baby.

I have two people to give thanks to for Mia being here. First is God, without him it wouldn't be possible. He gave me the most precious gift anybody could ask for, a beautiful healthy baby. & Javier, because, well his sperm met my egg. & woo-la, Mia.

She changes everyday, it's unbelievable. She's starting to get her own little personality now, it's so cute. She's most likely always in a good mood, unless she's tired, hungry, or overwhelmed with my lovings! Haha. Other than that, she is my perfect little angel.

My mom tells me all the time I should just let her cry it out for a few minutes. And I try to explain to her that it's not good for them. But then she goes on to tell me she did it to me and I turned out fine. So I told her "I'm not fine. Maybe that's why I have 'attachment issues' ... I clench on to the first person that tells me he loves me and now I can't get over it." She shut up real quick.

I'm so tired of the unsolicited advice from my family. Grandma, my kid does not need to be wrapped up in 7 blankets when she's inside of my heated house, the actual cold doesn't make anybody sick, it's a germ in the air. Hats, ear muffs, jackets, & mittens can't protect you from germs.

So that's all, just wanted to AW that Mia is 2 months today and just a short little vent. Happy two months!

Winter Wonderland

It was days like today where I would wake up to snow and bug my mother to go out and play.

That was then, this is now though. LOL. Snow is beautiful when you first wake up and nobody has plowed your streets yet, but once that happens I think it's just one big nasty, slushy mess.

Me and my mom had to go shovel this morning. Not fun, since it's raining out and the snow is extra heavy. And not to mention we both nearly pulled our backs out. I'm 17 going on 48 it feels like, my back shouldn't know how to 'throw out' yet, agree? Lol.

Times like these where I wish Javier or my father was here to do that job. But even if Javier was here, I'd still have to help, or he'd just piss and moan about me being lazy. But then again this time it might not have been the same, I would have a baby to take care of.

So basically, we need a handyman. Pronto.

I did it.

I filled out the papers from Child Support Enforcement. Gave them all of Javier's information, that I knew of.

I feel bad, but he needs to learn that he can't just keep getting women pregnant and bolting on them. Especially bolting when he knows they're already head over heels for him.

I decided not to even give him the heads up. I talked to my therapist about what to do, whether to tell him or not. She said that the people who work for CSE are there to deal with your case so you don't have to make contact with him. It's their job, let them do it.

At the moment I'm not 'struggling' for money. But pretty soon my TDI money is going to run out. And nobody has called me back for an interview for a job so eventually that money will come in handy. I don't exactly know how it works, because he doesn't even have a job right now. So who knows when or if I will even get money. But the paperwork is being mailed tomorrow morning. And that's done with.

AWing Mia's Newborn Pictures!

So yesterday I had an appointment with Simple Portraits in the mall for Mia's pictures. I was hoping and praying she wouldn't act fussy there. But of course my luck, she was fussy. Lol babies are so unpredictable! But on the bright side, we got some awesome shots. I signed up for a year worth membership there so I can get discounts and deals, plus no sitting fees. I went into the studio thinking I would be buying Collection 1, which is any 3 sheets. But once I had to choose from like 30 different ones, I couldn't do it. So I ended up buying 6 different poses, and also got 1 sheet free for having it been my first time there. I spent 105.98 + the 58.99 membership sign up fee. But it's worth it cause the ones that came out good, came out beautiful. I sat and cried looking at them last night, I produced such a beautiful child.
 

I'm a little turned off.

You guys will like this I think.

I was talking to Javier's stepmother today. Last time I messaged her I explained to her that me and Javier were no longer talking and I needed to know if he had sent the papers back to the hospital for paternity. She finally messaged me back together and said that she asked him but he didn't answer her.

I told her that if he doesn't want to see or be a part of Mia's life, fine, but he is at least going to have to pay me child support for the child that he helped me make. She said she will tell him to call me, but I doubt he will. So we got to talking.

I told her that each day it gets harder trying to raise Mia knowing that whole situation with him could of been prevented. That I still have feelings for him and I wish he would just come through one day. Sooo, she let the cat out of the hat and told me that Javier dropped out of college, has no job, has a new girlfriend. Also he is not paying child support to Karla or Sue-hay. So he is most likely going to jail. He knows he is going to go to jail, so she thinks that he is going to move to Wisconsin with his real mother.

For what? I don't know, maybe in his mind he thinks he can run. But it will all catch up with him.

I am turned off, but at the same time I feel bad. This wholeee thing could of been prevented. If he just would of stepped up to the plate, got a job and stopped hitting me while I was down there I would of stayed. This never would of happened. Ya know? But he is a jackass, instead of getting a new girlfriend Javier focus on yourself and be alone for a while, no?

Oh wait you can't do that can you? Remember the time in PR when I didn't have sex with you for 2 days. And you were pissy towards me all day. That day we had our first 'fight' down there. I got hormonal and needed support, but you just pushed me away. So I kind of 'missed home' at that point and I told your stepmother. And you had a bitch fit. Later on you apologized but explained to me, and I quote, "I'm sorry... It's just that sex is SO SO SO important in my life and when you didn't do anything for me in two days in a row it makes me so angry."

I'll still pray for him at night. Even though he is the biggest son of a mother fucking bitch right now, I will still pray and hope he will get it together for himself & his kids.

Because he OWES that to at least his kids.

10.10

That number has haunted me for the past 2 years of my life, no joke.

I never understood the significance of it. I was actually quite scared of the number for a long time. When I was in the hospital last year for a while dealing with depression, they told me I was going home on 10.10. I freaked out, I begged to stay longer in fear something 'bad' would happen if I had left that day. But the assholes discharged me anyways. Lol.

It's so weird, I used to wake up to that number on the clock. I would see it randomly when I went out. My total at the store sometimes came to it. I was freaked out. Thought it was a sign or some shit like that.

But only to find out that the number 10.10 was the day my daughter made her way into my world.

I forgot about the number for a while, but the other day my friend mentioned it to me. So weird how it all played out like that. I guess it was a sign in its own little way. Scared the shit out of me but who would of thought 2 years later I would of given birth to a child on that day. She was born at 10:07pm, I joke with my family on how I should of did that huge ass push 3 minutes later.

My daughter is my world. People often ask if I could turn back time would I have used better judgment? I tell them no because in my heart I truly believe she was sent to me for a reason. I don't regret her, she's not a mistake.

DB Photography 

She's my 10.10 miracle.

Pregnant.

Wait, before you start going off ... I'm not pregnant.

It's funny how not even 2 months ago, I was impatiently waiting to be un-pregnant. When I was pregnant, I wanted my outside baby horribly. I thought I hated being pregnant while I was actually pregnant.

And the people who have already had babies always told me that I would miss being pregnant. I thought they were nuts. On the upside to my pregnancy, I can honestly say despite the morning sickness & stress, I had a really easy pregnancy. My back never hurt, I didn't have to pee 38742 times a day, I slept wonderfully on my side-stomach like I usually do without any pillows.

I just was so impatient and I wanted to meet my baby so bad.

But now that I look at her, I sit in disbelief that I actually have a baby now. And the feeling is great, don't get me wrong. I love being a mother to this beautiful child. But I guess it's true, I miss being pregnant.

I feel like I didn't embrace all those flutters and kicks I would feel each day that passed. I miss my bump so much. Especially now because it's all loose skin I'm trying to make go away. Lol. Sometimes I still believe I am pregnant and forget and have to remind myself that Mia is sound asleep in the next room.

I look at Mia sometimes though, and I am just amazed at how beautiful this precious child is. She is just so innocent and dependent on me. And at times it gets really tough. I'm blessed to have a mother who is willing to help so much too. And yes it makes me sad that Javier isn't here to enjoy it neither. For a while I didn't want anybody's help, except for Javier's. I planned on just doing it by myself. But I'm glad I caved in because I think if I refused the offered help I would of shot myself in the head by now.

People understand the fact that 'it will be hard' when they are pregnant. But nobody really knows exactly how hard it is until the baby is born. And although it is no excuse but I can see how a mother would kill their babies. Sometimes people just get to that point and they're not thinking straight. The baby won't stop crying, you don't know what to do and they snap. It's horrible to hear but I can see how people get to that point.

I would never let myself get there. I'm not a fan of letting a newborn cry it out, but if I need to put Mia down for 5 minutes to get my head on straight again. I will do it.

But yes I do miss being pregnant, but at the same time I love having Mia actually here.

---------

On another subject. Infamous Javier.

I know that a lot of you women think I'm the typical 17 year old teenager. And everybody thinks I am a complete moron for wanting to be with him still. All of you are knocking me about being a mom also and what I need to do for a better life with Mia.

Yes I miss Javier terribly. Yes I WISH that he could change so it would be okay for us to be the family I hope and wish for. & Yes, I am an idiot.

But I believe you guys lack to see what I am saying.

I left Javier in Puerto Rico. Left him. He is no where near arms reach of me or Mia. That was a huge step for me. And I like to commend myself for that because for once I wasn't thinking about myself, I was thinking about Mia. I went back to school and got my GED. I decided on GED because it was the fastest way I could actually graduate before the baby came. I needed to get that out of the way. If I had enrolled back into school I would of just been 2 years behind from missing almost all my junior year. I am starting college in either the spring or the fall at the latest. Right now I am home and my mom is financially supporting us. But I'm in the process of finding a job. And I don't think I need to explain to you about economy.

I am trying. I am trying to make a better life for myself so I will be able to take care of me and Mia on my own one day without my mothers help. I know that being with Javier is bad for me now. I know this people. And all of you sit there and tell me that I need to grow up. I did grow up a lot in the past nine months. But excuse me for missing somebody that I truly, honestly, and deeply fell in love with.

You expect me to just turn off the switch, right? No, it's not that friggen easy. Yeah it's really not. I don't expect you guys to understand the way I am feeling, because you simply have not gone through it.

My mom's friend was abused by her boyfriend for many many years. I always thought her mom was so stupid for letting it go on. But then I got involved with Javier and things were perfect for us. I fell especially hard because he was my 'net' while everything at home was falling apart for me. Then I got pregnant and that's when it began. But Javier had already had me at that time because I was pregnant with his child. Plus I loved him and thought it wouldn't happen again.

I was wrong. But until I went through it, I NEVER understood why people would deal with it. Now I do. And it's not easy.

As for dating. I'm not looking. I'm talking about the future. And I honestly feel that way. Like I will never find somebody because I'm always going to be stuck on Javier. And maybe I won't. But for now that's how I feel. I feel like I can never get back into the dating scene, because I'll always be hung up on him. Or I'm too self conscious of how I look now.

That is all.

I Surrender.

Tonight, I am surrendering. I have made it clear in my head that I will be single. Forever.

I will not meet a guy who is just going to sweep me off my feet. I just won't. And I am just about so close to be sick over how people tell me I will find somebody. I will not. Seriously, who wants to be with somebody like me? I wouldn't. I have a child now, it changes everything. Nobody wants a girlfriend with a kid at my age. Nobody wants to settle down as much as I do at my age. Nobody is going to want to make love to a girl who has a jello pooch in her stomach and who has a vagina that is all kinds of weird now.

It is just not going to happen.

& If it magically did. I wouldn't let it. I would push that person away, because he is just not Javier. I believe that I will always compare the next guy to Javier. And they will not live up to the standards. And hold on, wait a minute, before you start going off. Standards? What the standards that he beat me and this and that? Not those ones. Just the way Javier was before everything went to shit. And even after it went to shit, the making up part was at its highs sometimes.

This is going to sound sick. But it's almost like I miss the 'making up' part. Where everything was almost perfect after he had hit me. Where I liked hearing him cry at night while he held me after the fighting had stopped. I miss the way he could have been.

But everything is ruined. And sometimes I think to myself, well what if I had just stayed that one last time. It might of been different. He wouldn't of hit me anymore. It was already out in the open, people would of known if he had ever hit me again, so he wouldn't of done it. I look at Mia and feel guilty, for taking her father away from her. I should of tried harder.

He started to hit me again down there because I missed my home life. I should of shut up. I should of just sucked it up.

While I was down in PR though I had read my bible. I was missing my family. I shut my bible and looked at it. I said in my head "God send me a sign, I need to see something. Let me open up to any page and let it teach me something." I open up my book. And I don't feel like going upstairs to get it right now but in a nutshell it was something like this .. One person asked if he could just leave his wife. Talking about how divorce is only for when commits adultery. Then it goes on to how a man needs to leave his family behind and be with his wife. - Something of that nature. Then it clicked with me. I had to leave my family, to be with Javier. Right?

I didn't know what to think. So now here I am, I left him. Did I do the wrong thing?

It's just that, everything I do never seems right, or good enough. I'm starting to blame myself. Maybe if I never deleted Javier from myspace, we would still be talking right now. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I like stalk his page, only to find more hoochies on his top friends and more new pictures that only lead me to crying.

I can't help it. And feel free to flame away for me thinking like this. I still see my counselor. But she can only tell me words on what to do. It can't make the feelings actually go away. I don't want to feel this way. I want everything to be like it was. I want him. The 'addiction' gene runs in my family .... & I am pretty sure I am addicted to him.

So that is that ...It's sad to say. But I have really come to the conclusion I will be single forever. FML.

One month.

Boy, does time fly by.

Mia is already a month and 3 days. It's crazy. Whoever is still pregnant out there, enjoy it because I miss being pregnant. Not saying that I hate having an outside baby, but I just miss being pregnant in general. If I could be pregnant right now and keep Mia outside of the ute, I would. Yes I'm a little on the crazy side haha.

She is getting so big though. So much has changed since the hospital. More and more she grow into her tiny little features. 

Ahh so darling! She is really such a good baby though. I was truly blessed from God. I seriously thought God was going to punish me with a child that was colic and stayed up all night. Nope total opposite. Although she does get gas sometimes, and has her fussy periods. She sleeps through the night most of the time and if she does wake up, it's only once. She is the perfect baby anybody could ever ask for.

Postpartum is a bitch. That's all I have to say about that, and I hope it doesn't last forever.

Things with Javier turned out to be a complete and total FAIL. He will not change. In his mind, getting a job and going back to school makes him a changed man. No, absolutely not Javier. He may have taken steps to better his life, but he is none yet, the same person.

We are at war with each other now. I deleted him off of myspace and he freaked out. Too bad, you should of answered my messaged when you had the chance. We're not on speaking terms, and that's probably for the best. As much as I miss him and wishes things would work out, I am so over the bullshit he keeps throwing at me. So I showed him the door, and he wasn't too happy.

So this is what I did.

And now this is me.

 

Happy as a pig in shit. Haaaaa. "Guys are like buses, next one comes in 15."

Hopefully I will find somebody who knows how to treat me right. Who will love me for the way I am, and love the shit out of my beautiful daughter. Although I am not anywhere jumping back into the 'dating' scene anytime soon. I do wish God will send me somebody to help me get over dirtbag over there. Cause that's the only way I think I will get over him, is to find somebody else.

I am nervous though to get back into the groove of dating. It feels like it's been forever.At time I feel like I won't find somebody though, just because I'm so young and I already have a daughter. My body is NOT the same it used to be, and God only knows my vagina isn't the same anymore. So I am wicked nervous for the next guy I meet. I don't know what to say to him, or how to begin to even explain my situation. It's a mess.

But, I will survive. (I wanna get that tattooed on the back of my neck, lmao)

I Love You Amanda Phillips.

So I had this waiting for me one day on my myspace from Javier.

"Idk how to start here... I know that i was the one who did it wrong, but i'm so mad at myself for that and i know that i can just get my life together like your telling me to.....   and that's what i'm gonna do, i just need sometime cuz right now things are going so bad in Puerto Rico...   it's none works, no money for beca, and the streets are really bad... But i got nothing else to do to make some money so that's what i'm doing right now.....   just keep me on  your ORACIONES 

I LOVE YOU AMANDA PHILLIPS"

Yet you do nothing to prove it.

Yes Javier, you have enrolled back into school, I think that's great and I'm really happy. Next you got a job and you start Monday, again I'm really proud of you.

You tell me to give you time, I can do that. I can literally wait forever for you, which is sad but I can. So I am giving you time. 

You tell me you love me though, & last week on the phone you tell me "If you don't think you can wait for me just tell me Amanda." I assured you that I am willing to wait and I'm not going to fuck around on you while I wait. I told you the same, if you wanna work it out then work it out. But if you can't wait cause you have to go get your dick wet then tell me cause I'm not trying to be played by a fool.

But It kills me how I go on your myspace and you posted these new pictures up. You never told me you got a tattoo of your first daughters name on your chest. And I'm not trying to be the jealous mom over here, but it would of been nice to know ahead of time. You have all these pictures up on your myspace of Jadielys but none of Mia? I don't get it.

Now I see that your myspace is all fixed up now, and you have more pictures of your other daughter, still none of Mia. And next to Jady's name you say "This is my QUEEN." Okay I'm sorry, what about Mia?

And I love how your fucking myspace still says your single? I'm sorry I thought you wanted to work it out with me? Seriously. And the other new pictures of you with your shirt of flexing your muscles? "There's something sexy right?" Who the fuck are you trying to impress asshole. If I wasn't a goddamn mother I would go take a fucking picture of my ass and my tits and post them up on there and caption them as "Now THERE is something sexy." You are pissing me off here.

THEN, the corker is when the other week you say I never talk to you anymore. Okay I have been trying to get a hold of you for the past week, no fucking reply. I message you on myspace, and you read them but no reply. What the fuck is up dude?

I am so ready to fucking delete you off of myspace cause looking at your page gives me anxiety.

Sperm donor.

That is what I think of my father now. A sperm donor.

I do not even know where to start with this post. Seriously.

This man has an addictive personality. Addicted to coffee, cigarettes, work, gambling, & the list goes on. His gambling addiction brought my family into a hole. Over $300,000 worth of debt. We almost lost the house, the house hasn't been paid in about a year because they had to file bankruptcy last year in order to save the house. We are in the middle of modification with the bank.

In 2005 is when the gambling started to get out of control. He kept saying he didn't need any help, because he simply wasn't like those other people in GA meetings. My parents got separated since then. He secretly got involved with a 28 year old girl (back then she was 24 & my dad was 39, now my father is 43) he confessed only after I caught him living there, because I happened to notice his truck parked outside some random house in the morning every time my bus would drive by. Since then he has not moved out of her place.

He told my mother not to divorce him because 'he is a sick man and he needs help, then he will be home.' LIE. Two years ago maybe, he came home for 4 days, and left to go back to that girl, Lindsay. My mom wanted to divorce him again, but he insisted she let him get help.

Started going to GA meetings finally, got help and has supposedly been recover for almost a year now. His last day clean of a bet was sometime in December of last year. But we have reasons to believe he has gambled since then but I won't get into that right now anyways.

About a month ago my parents got into a fight. My mom was getting sick and tired of him coming over to the house to eat nice home cooked meals and watching TV, then leaving to go right back to her. He has never once taken me or my sister out. He just always came over to chat with my mom. My mom gave him the ultimatum of not coming back to the house ever again until he has his shit to come home with. She never once said anything about withholding me or my sister from him, he could take us if he wanted but he was not allowed over the house.

Two days later, he came home. But once he came home, he was never there. Went to work, came home for an hour to eat for about an hour, then he was gone again until after 11:30pm. My mom never really said anything about it. Some days during the week he had GA meetings to go to, so he would go there, but those meetings end at 9ish. So where was he after? Probably with Lindsay, but he claims he was at the bar.

Basically told my mom one night that he was 'physically ill from being away from this girl." Why? Who the hell knows, this girl did nothing for him. Doesn't cook, fuck she doesn't even know how to. Her meals consist of frozen TV dinners. Doesn't offer to do his laundry. & It's not like he's there for the sex, because she's no fun in the sack as he says. Foreplay is a no-go with this twat. My mom did everything for him, cooked, cleaned, made lunches, laundry. She lives in a 1 bedroom box apartment in the ghetto, where we have this big beautiful house in a good neighborhood. Everything was done when that man came home.

So this past Saturday he took my mom out for a drive. Told her something like "I know I have put you and the girls on the back burner my whole life, but last night at my meeting it clicked that I wasn't happy. And I need to be happy because if I'm not happy I will gamble again, and you don't want me doing that right?"

So he ended up leaving. Although he would of left the next day if it wasn't for me to tell him to pack his shit and leave.

Now I truly hate this man, and please don't tell me he's my father and all that bullshit. Because NO, he is nothing but a sperm donor in my eyes. He was never there, put everything and anything before me, Hayley, and my mother. He is fake. I hate him and I wish nothing but bad things upon those two idiots. They are nothing but scumbags, and they will have there day.

I am so filled with anger and hurt, and all I want to do is destroy. Destroy everything he has. I want so badly to slash her tires and throw eggs at her car. I want to take a black sharpie and write on his big red truck "Hi I am a compulsive gambler who left my family for a 28 year old Lush." And draw a big penis on the other side of the truck. But they are both very lucky, cause I would sacrifice jail to do those things. But I can't because I have Mia now.

And I didn't think it could get any better, but it did. My mom and him were talking late one night and he was crying. This was before I gave birth. He was crying how he was so worried about me and told my mom not to tell me that he was having a hard time coming home because he was physically ill being away from this girl. He told her that he thinks I am going to die during delivery. And I quote, "I am worried that Amanda will die during labor. I hope that baby dies before Amanda does." YOU SON OF A BITCH.

You know what motherfucker? I hope you jump to another fucking addiction. It will probably be either alcohol or sex addiction. You always drink now all of a sudden, because that fucking twat face always has you sitting in the damn apartment drinking rum coke with her skank ass right? Or maybe it will be sex addiction since all the fucking porn movies you order while you were home, when you were sleeping in my fucking bed you sick fuck.

You may have 'recovered' from gambling, but like YOU even told me ... most people with an addiction jump from one addiction to the other. You will go down in a hole again, guaranteed. And once you hit rock bottom this time I am almost positive that you will off yourself. & You know what? I will throw a party.

I feel nothing to despise and hatred towards that man. And I am so done with him.

Back&Forth.

Seriously, this man wants to drive me to the grave.

I am busy now. I'm not pregnant and moping around any longer. My life consists of Mia now. Feeding her, changing her, bathing her, etc etc. And when I am not doing that I am sleeping or trying to get things done.

4:40pm I get a text ... "Hey!!"
I didn't reply because I was busy. - & I didn't hear it right away.

Four minutes later I went to check it because I heard my phone beeping. I checked it. Then he texts again.
"You use to text me everyday (and I dont like that) but I kinda got used to it, but you like don't wanna talk now."

SERIOUSLY JAVIER? I love you, and I'll be honest. I wait by the phone everyday for YOUR text. I no longer am going to text you because I AM BUSY. Got it?

Besides, whenever I do text you, you never fucking reply. So what am I to do? Not text you anymore.

Everything I do is just wrong. I text him too much, wrong. I don't text him at all, wrong.

So I replied "Its not that I don't wanna talk to you ... but I don't wanna bother you either. Idk what to do? & I have been trying to text for you 3 days now, but no answer."

He never replied. Story of my life.

Neurotic.

Should be my middle name.

Since Mia has become a whole new part of me since she's out of my stomach now. All I do is worry. Sometimes I can just be doing nothing and I will see the image of a drunk driver hitting my car with her in the backseat. I can picture waking up to her gone, or her not alive.

Everything you hear on the radio or news all I can think to myself is "Oh my God what is that was Mia?" Where as before I would just say That is horrible. It's so much different now. And I'm so much more stressed about everything around us.

& Let me just say one thing. PPD sucks. I don't know how many times a day I find myself hysterically crying. One minute I'm crying because I miss Javier. Next I'm mad at myself for leaving, then I'm mad because I shouldn't be mad at myself because it wasn't my fault. Next I'm laughing and crying because I must look ridiculous. Then I am just crying again because I can't believe that he is really not here to see this.

She is just so beautiful. I may be the only one that sees it because she is mine, but I can't help to think how beautiful she really is. Like seriously, I made THAT. Amazing. It makes me so upset that he isn't here to experience any of it either. Her first smile. Her laughs, her cries. Nothing. I do it on my own.

And God Bless my family for all their help, but it just isn't enough. I want Javier. As selfish as that sounds.

I keep praying and wishing and hoping that he will get it together. - He told me the other day that he started college again. Going for 2 years, majoring in Barber and Business. Still no job though. But education is something he does value, and I pray to God he sticks with it. He needs to be doing something with his time other than wasting it by blowing bleezys all day long. 

As happy as I am for him that he is doing something, I still fear for our 'relationship.' He can keep telling me he loves me and everything, but love and sex are two different things. And usually men don't put love and sex together. A man can love you but still have sex with another. It makes me nervous. Going back to school opens up all kinds of ladies doors for him now, and I just don't trust it. But I try not to think about it.

I pray to God this all works out.

One week old.

Last week at this time I was just getting my epidural. I can't believe my Mia is already a week old, it made me cry last night. She already looks so different, growing more and more into her little tiny features everyday. I just wish I could freeze time, I don't want her to get any bigger. I didn't think it was possible to love anybody more than I loved Javier. But the moment they put her on my chest, the world stopped and it was just me and Mia.

I hope I will never forget that moment. I hope to cherish that moment everyday, for the rest of my life. I really wish Javier was here to see all of this. It's so exciting, and I can't imagine how it feels to be in his shoes. Having a newborn half way across the country. I pray everyday for him to someday see the light, so he can get better. I can only pray and wish and hope though. I cannot change a man.

For Mia's sake, I hope he can get it together for her, not for me. She is so precious, and deserves a father who will be there for not only her but for me. It's harder than I thought .. to be a single teenage mother. I have tremendous help from family, which I am grateful for, but still, there are things missing from the puzzle here.