Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I'm short out of ideas.

My life is pretty steady right now. So I have nothing juicy to write, except for maybe the fact my daughter began to WALK today. Squeeeee!

Lol now the fun really begins, as so I'm told.


So Readers, what do you want to know about me? What do you want me to write about more?
You decide.

And don't be afraid of getting too personal with me. I don't really have a filter as some of you probably know.

If you want to shoot me an email, here ya go - Contact me at

Sunday, August 22, 2010

I have been M.I.A

And I apologize! So sorry :)

I've been busy and tired with work and Mia.

I'm so overdue for an update. This post will most likely suck because I am in the middle of a 1 million things right now.

But here is the rundown. Mia is 10 months, soon to be 11 months in about 2 weeks. She is standing up all by herself, took one step the other day and fell on her bum. This is making me very sad, because she is almost going to be a year old, WHAT?

She looks fairly, dumbfounded.

Oh and this is Ginger aka Giner. --->

My first car! I am beyond excited. The best part is that I have been on the prowl for a 2005 Ford Focus for the longest time. And I finally found one and bought it! It's awesome, and I have freedom from sharing a car with mom now. Of course, I have a car payment, but I think it's good for me. It builds character, no? :)

I also graduated. With high honors. It felt really good to have that cap and gown. I felt satisfied and accomplished. Mia, along with the rest of my family, were there cheering me on. Mia was clapping and 'talking' through out the whole thing haha.

And here are just some pictures I just want to AW. These pictures were done by a photographer around my area. I had entered Mia in a contest to win a free photography session. Mia did not win, but she contacted me anyways and wanted to do Mia's pictures because she thought she was absolutely beautiful.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

9 months old.

I'm a day late. But happy belated 9th monthday to Mia! The countdown is almost near, three more months till my baby is a year old.

I really didn't believe people when they told me it would go by so fast. Now it's almost here and I just can't fathom it.

Oh and I have a secret.

...... I totally forgot to do a 'monthday picture' for Mia yesterday, so I figured I would just do it today, but forgot once again. So tomorrow I will definitely be taking those pictures, and I shall lie about the date of the sign. I will pretend it was taken on the 10th. No biggie.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Random Wednesday.

Excuse my tired eyes as I went to bed late last night and woke up early. I don't understand but I can be draggin' ass all day long and still stay awake till 2am. It drives me bonkers. I just want to sleep but can never fall asleep. So here I am tired and drained, did I mention I have work in like an hour? Yeah it's going to be a fun night.

So two big days are coming up in the next two weeks. July 11th - Mia's Dedication. & July 14th - My Graduation. I am so excited! After each event nothing huge is going on afterwards, but probably just something simple back at my house. Either way I am psyched!

We are cute. Haha, remember how I talked a little bit about Birthday planning last post? Yes well, my photographer aka Alex my cousin did them for me finally! The above pictures were just playing around before the real fun began!

I decided to only post the pictures from just playing around on my Facebook, only because I want the 'real photo shoot' pictures to be a surprise to everybody once they get their invites. After I send out the invitations, I shall post every picture on Facebook.

Though my cousin is not a professional photographer, she does have a nice camera and some skills with it, also has a picture editor. So I asked her just to snap a few shots for me. But a few pictures turned into like 50, and I had a hard time choosing cause they all came out amazing. So out of all these amazing pictures I had to choose from, I could only choose three. Wanna see the final results? Sure ya do.




I also decided that Mia will wear her tutu for her birthday party as well. I will be ordering her a T-shirt off of etsy somewhere. And She will wear the shirt, the tutu, and some leggings. I'm excited.

One last thing, I need your opinions. For Party favors, I am going to try something different. I have been cleaning and saving Mia's baby food jars. I have ordered and received 'address size' labels saying "Thank you for joining the fun now that Mia is 1!" on them. I also ordered 'cake decorative toppers' but instead of them being used for that, I bought ribbon and plan to tie it around the jar, hole punch the toppers and tie it around the jar also. The topper has Mia's face on it, and on the other side a crown (so cute!)

So this is where I need you ladies - What should I do with the Jar?

1. Put sand in the jar with a tealight
2. Tiny rocks in the jar, different colors
3. Put soil in the jar and have seeds tied along with the ribbon also.
4. Amanda you should do this with the jar (your idea here)

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Oh Yes Hi ...

This is Amanda from Citizen's Bank, I am looking to speak with (Your name here).

Okay so yes, if you don't understand the above text let me explain - I HAVE A NEW JOB! I am no longer employed at Dunkin Donuts, your girl right here is now in the Corporate World. It sounded a wee bit scary at first but my job is too easy for what I get paid for.

Basically, I am a customer service agent (I sound cool) and what I do is - If you either bank with Citizens Bank or Charter One Bank (They are from the same company so I call either customers) I will give you a call for either a 30 second, 2 minute, or 5 minute survey. So easy.

I have my own desk with my own computer, it is really nice. I am getting paid $12.01 an hour, which is not a whole lot of money, but I believe I am one of many few 18 year old who are getting paid this much for what I do. Everybody else I know either has no job or is making $7.40 an hour.

Please Pay Attention To This:
If I happen to call your house please just take my friggin survey. (Because on top of making 12.01 an hour, I also get incentive checks at the end of the month if I make goal! Which will help so much!)

1. Do not interrupt me when I am giving the questions & options (I know it is annoying, especially if you know your answer already but to "validate my survey' I MUST read all the options. I know it's stupid. But my calls are recorded and scored. I will be screwed if I just skip through those parts.)

2. Do not yell at me because you hate the bank - I cannot change the bank, take the damn survey, state your problem and be on with your life.

3. NEVER hang up on me. - Because I know your address and I will steal your beautiful babies ;) Just kidding.

4. Please do not agree to take the survey and then in the middle of it decide it's all of a sudden a bad time to complete it - that is like giving your husband blue balls.

5. And if it is a truly bad time - I'm sorry, no need to freak out of me. We can call back another time


So other than the fact that I have a new job - Life is good.

My pool is finally open so Mia can go swimming everyday! She really loves the water, just like myself. I could be in the water all day. Unfortunately, I have already caught a sunburn, while Mia has caught a tan. Oh how I envy her olive skin she got from her father and that nice boricua culture!

Cute right? come on don't deny it. I apologize for the second picture - Mia had a nip slip. And I know that most people are not okay with the idea with an infant/baby in a bikini - but save your comments. I think Mia looks cute in it. Nothing is wrong with one pieces, I love them all just as much Mia even have a one piece, but this is just my favorite! I love her little ruffle butt in them!

I am also in the process of planning Mia's Birthday Party - which is stressful and exciting. There are so many things to consider, it's crazy. Or maybe I am the crazy one because I am trying to be Ms. Perfect party planner over here.

This is what is done:
1. Buy tutu & headband for pictures on invitation (arrived yesterday!)
2. Find a photographer -My cousin!
3. Make guest list
4. Pick out which etsy seller will make my cards
5. Ordered 'Thank you Labels' & Decorative circles!
6. Made a rough draft of the Menu!

So I have been pretty busy! And now I should get going.
 Peace out girl scout.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Rainy nights with nothing to do.

Another rainy night and absolutely nothing to do. Although I could be sleeping, but who wants to sleep?

So my last post was a story about a stupid boy as we all know by the name of Rico Suave (Ha!) Anyways, when he told me that it looks like I've been gaining weight, I laughed it off. Only later on, it really got me thinking. I sat in the mirror for about 25 minutes just looking, and touching my muffin top and my love handles, which is pretty pathetic. So I've concluded that every time I want to eat 5 cookies, I'll only eat 2. :(
I wouldn't call myself 'fat' because in all honesty I'm not 'fat' ... ya know I just have some extra meat. Who doesn't love that?

And no offense to the supermodel skinny girls who read my blog, but America has this vision of the perfect girl having to look like a twig with tennis balls for boobs. I'm just natural, a natural beauty with a 'real' body and huge boobies? Either way I am natural.

But lately I have been feeling 'off' with myself. I've been so tried, like forreal, all i want to do is sleep. I'm not sure if this is depression creepin' back up in my life or what, but whatever it is it needs to go away. My best friend and her boyfriend just had a baby not too long ago. They're both my age (18) and her boyfriend is the only one who is working. They told me they are getting an apartment soon (which I am so happy for them) but it made me take a step back and look at where I'm at:

1. Enrolled into college for this fall.
2. Quit HS, but got my GED ... WITH honors ;)
3. Started my new job at Citizen's bank (I'll talk about this job soon)
4. Living with my mother rent free
5. This should be my first, but I am INVOLVED in church. And in love with the Lord.

Which is okay I guess. But when I heard they could afford to move out on their own, I got jealous almost. I basically felt like I failed as a person, as a mother, because 1. I cannot afford my own place and 2. I am a single mother.

I thought about this for days straight .... failing my duties as a person and a mother and this whole stupid weight comment Rico Suave made the other night. So I talked to another friend about how I was feeling, and she reminded me of something - God & his plan for me.

Yes, God's plan especially designed for ME. I was so caught up in worrying about the way I looked or how I potentially failed at life because I can't move out of my mom's house yet. It was just objects of Satan trying to distract me from the real thing here - which is God's plan. Now I'm not sure what his plan is. But what I do know is that I have done the best I can for myself and Mia so far. I am working and going to school. I am doing all the right things right now, so my own place is just going to have to wait. And within time a  blessing will come my way.....

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Letting myself go ...

So let's talk about this picture ...

So this is my new default picture on facebook and myspace. Honestly, I freaking hate myspace now, the only reason I keep it is because of Javier's family. I could care less if I talk to Javier or not these days, which is a good thing I believe. But anyways, I love his family because they were good to me when I was living down there, and every once in a while I will get a message from them seeing how me and Mia are doing.

Sooo about the picture, yeah it's definitely not a great one of me that's for sure. I look wicked tired and apparently I look fat. Lmao.

Last time I talked to Javier was about 2 months almost 3 months ago maybe? I'm not exactly sure, but it's been a while. Our last conversation did not end on good terms because he is just thick headed. But anyways, the other night he tried to myspace chat me but I ignored it. Then last night he myspace chat me again by sending me some video of the song "Creep" by Radiohead? Not really my style in music, but I listened to it, but never replied back to him.

Then he kept messaging me and messaging me. "You don't wanna talk right? That's cool." Ignore. "Well I just wanted to let you know I was in the hospital cause I had h1n1 but I'm better now" Ignore. "I don't understand why even be friends on myspace if you're not gonna talk to me Amanda?" So I caved in and just replied back and asked him about the whole h1n1 thing. Blah blah blah.

Anyways, it took him forever to finally ask about Mia, probably 25 minutes into the conversation <--Loser. He told me he's going to church and that God loves him the way he is, so he is continuing to smoke weed. (I had to just keep my mouth shut there because whatever I told him about God and weed would just not process into his brain far enough that he would actually quit.) He's not working anymore, and waiting to go to school. Typical. And I'm sure once he starts school he will stop going. He is suppose to go for some medical field study in college, yet he dropped out of barbershop classes because they were ''too hard.''

Back to the picture showed above .... He randomly said to me 'Heyy, I saw your picture, and it looks like you're gaining weight, you're not taking care of yourself, that isn't good.' I laughed so hard when I read those words. Yes okay, I am not a skinny person, I wasn't even before I was pregnant I always had a little chub to me, plus I am very big chested - as you can see. But the funny thing is, my weight NOW is actually a tad bit less than from before I got pregnant. My body just looks totally different now. I defintely need to go to the gym and tone up those abs, but who is he to say i am letting myself go. Why don't you try to be a single mom, while working and preparing for school 24/7 and see how often you have time to go workout? Lmao

This post became more of a vent almost, but it was a good laugh for me. I think it's funny how he said that to me after sending me that video I mentioned before - The song basically is saying that "I" am perfect and an angel and ''he'' is a creep and weirdo?

Yes Javier, you are a weirdo. Lmao.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Wordless Wednesday.

-Okay just a few words, I never do Wordless Wednesdays but maybe I will start.

Don't you just look goofy pictures with the babes? I sure do. Lol

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Vote Vote Vote for Mia!!!!

Okay so I need your ladies help, PRONTO!
Since most of us agree Mia is the most cutest baby in the world (just kidding, but she is cute you can't deny that!) I need you all to VOTE for my babygirl!

Wanna know what happens if Mia's picture wins? I get a FREE photography session with them! So exciting! So PLEASE I ask you all to just VOTE for my baby. It's so easy too!

All you have to do is log into your FaceBook page,  Like this Page then go to Mia's picture and like that too! Simple and easy, I swear it will only take 10 seconds of our time!

So get to it Ladies, Please!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Good News Tuesday!

So it's almost 2am here in Little Rhody and I just got out of work.

Just a short story here real quick that I feel I should share - I was driving home from work and I finally pull into the driveway. FYI, my interior light doesn't work, fml. But I keep feeling this little tingle on my hand. So I put my hand up to the light from the moon, none the less a spider, I freaked out. I jumped out of the car and started screaming. I think I woke up some neighbors. I jumped right in the shower I felt so creeped out lol.

Anyways, yeah I needed to really share that, because as I sit here typing this out that's all I can think of and I can't stop laughing of how I must of looked outside jumping around screaming.

I do have good news to share though!

First I have found a new job opportunity at Citizen's Bank doing customer surveys. The pay is so much better than at Dunkin Donuts and the hours are a little less, but either way I will still be taking more money home! I'm just waiting for my BCI's to clear and I'm all set to start! I'm so excited, but I'm nervous about quiting Dunkin.

The other part of my good news is about Michael. Remember me talking about him a few posts back? Yeah well anyways ... I would just like to share that a few Sundays ago he came up and gave me a HUG. Which is kind of random cause he never touched me before, usually it's just a handshake if anything lol. And this past Sunday I went up to him after church and Mia was getting cranky in my arms and he rubbed her back and said "Aww what's wrong? Aww you're so beautiful!" haha I melted!

Then I asked him, "Michael i have a questionnn, can you explain to me how to put air in tires cause I need to go do that?" He thought about it for a minute and goes "Uhmm well give me a few minutes and I can go with you to the Shell station if you want, and I'll do it for you there." :) :) :) :)

So we went and he's putting air in my tires and he's checking all the pressures on everything and what not. All cute and stuff haha. Mia is passed out in the backseat thank God. He starts saying "Amanda you should get your tires rotated ... like really soon" Lol so I was saying "Yeah I know and I need to get a stupid oil change cause I am like 10,000 miles overdue haha." And he goes "I'll check your oil too." I told him not to though because he was nicely dressed and he said he didn't care so he did it anyways.

Oh and BTW, my oil was good for now! :)

That's basically it though, nothing spectacular, but the whole story with Michael makes me smileee :) I just wish I knew if he liked me or not though. Not that I care how long it takes, but I don't want to spend my time getting excited every Sunday I get to see him at church and everything, KWIM? Hahaa, everybody says he likes me because if he didn't he wouldn't go out of his way to help me or he wouldn't care to ask certain questions you know? But I guess I am just good at second guessing everything. We will see what happens next with this kid!

Monday, May 17, 2010

Jesus is my Lord & Savior....

.... Was my confession tonight to the Lord before I was completely submerged underwater.

I was baptized tonight, for the first time as an adult. Completely amazing experience. I couldn't believe how much of an impact tonight could make on a person. Growing with the Lord day by day is amazing and yet so unbelievable that I can barley comprehend it all.
I wish I had pictures of it, but the pictures my mom took are so crappy haha. And they are far far away. But thankfully my church video documented the whole thing and pretty soon I should receive a DVD of it.

It was completely amazing though. About 30 members of my church tonight along with me got baptized. We all had to arrive extra early because each of us had to record on video a short message of why we decided to get baptized.

As we walked up to the alter where the pool of Holy water awaited us, our video message would be playing on the big screens. I was freaking out because I don't like talking into a camera, especially when I have had no practice or anything.

I was so nervous before he started recording me, but suddenly it just came from my heart. I just started to spill my heart out and managed to say something along these lines ...
 "Hi my name is Amanda and I am getting baptized tonight because the Lord saved my life before I was even saved myself. And I want to thank God tonight by getting baptized and letting him take control in my life from now on."

My parents came, and brought Mia of course, I was so happy to see them there, it's kind of a miracle they both came actually so I was really happy. So many people from church came just to support me and see me be baptized, I was shocked. So many people came up to my parents and started talking about me and how they see God doing greats things for me.

Everybody was crying, some lady came up to me crying I didn't even know her. She was just sobbing at what I said and everything, congratulating me on being baptized.

The experience was just amazing and I'm so glad to be apart of it.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Where in the world ...

Did those 7 months go? Seriously.

Happy 7 months Mia!

7 Months just doesn't seem real to me. At 2 months all I kept thinking was its going by fast. But in all honestly 2 months she was still a baby baby! Pretty soon I'm going to be planning her first birthday party and sending out invites! Now seriously, where has the time gone?

Truth is, right now I have so much thought in my head that I can't even type it out. I love this little girl so much, more than words could ever say. The only thing I regret, which is kind of silly in my opinion, but I regret not watching Mia be born with a mirror. I missed the most magical site anybody could ever witness. But I was too scared, cause I thought it would hurt more watching myself getting ripped open down there. Other than that I would not have changed a thing.

In her cute little overall jean dress.

Okay so I look like a hot mess, I had gotten out of work and not showered yet.
Yes, I know, gross. But Mia's face is priceless. Haha!

Anyways, I am sleep deprived from work and Mia. Lol so I can't think straight these days. So bare with me people!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

I don't regret anything

I do not regret anything from my past.

I can openly talk about my past to people, because I realize that my past is my testimony to the Lord. What doesn't break me can only make me. And with what happened in my past, it has definitely made me the person I am today.

I realize that I have made my choices in life, but what is so wonderful about the Lord is that no matter what I did, whether it was smoking weed, premarital sex, or killing somebody (just an FYI, I never killed anybody) God will accept me if I repent to his word.

God doesn't pay attention what is going on in your head. He does not judge you on what you're thinking. He looks at what is inside of your heart. I am no where near perfect, and even though I strive to be like a Christ-like figure I am not. But I try, every single day to do the right thing even if it is so hard.

Tonight after my pathway class, some people just gathered around to chat, I was one of them. I saw some new faces tonight. So as I stood with my dear friend Tami as she talked to another woman there, she was talking briefly how her son's father is battling addictions. As we all walked away I mentioned something about how Javier battled addictions (even though Javier didn't really act upon quitting at the time, but he was addicted to weed.) She asked if I was still with him, and I said No, unfortunately he beat me while pregnant and I finally decided to leave him one day. She looked at me and said 'Will you please talk to my friend here tonight?"

Her friend came over and we got to talking. I told her what I had gone through. Now her friend is a lot older than me, 28 I believe she said. And as she looked at my teary eyed, she told me that she just got staples out of her head because of her boyfriend who is now in jail.

It's just amazing how God knows when and where to place certain people. With me coming out of that place a year ago and her just coming out of it since last week. He knew that I needed to talk to her, that is why I stayed so long after class.

What happened in my past is horrible, and nobody should ever have to go through that. But reality is that people do go through it, they are going through it right now. And if I have to tell everybody in the world  what happened to me and explain that it's hard but you will and can get through it with the Lord's help, than I am happy because tonight I helped one girl open up her eyes just a little bit more.

If this is my reason to be here today, than I am thankful that I have already helped one person. And I will continue to help more people as time passes.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Oh Mia!

Oh Mia are the only words I could say while I stood there talking to Michael this afternoon and Mia projectile pukes across the room. OMGosh.

You remember me mentioning Michael a while back right? Well before you get all happy for me, don't cause I'm not dating him or anything haha. I kind of took a wild chance today and went to go surprise him and play dumb at his work.

He works at his dad's restaurant, Michelangelo's. So today I called my best friend and was like "I am feeling a little forward today, wanna do something with me?" Of course my partner in crime, Lourenco, said yes! So as we are on our way to go out to eat my stomach is in my throat haha. I felt so ridiculous.

We get to the place, and I didn't see his car. Then I look a little further and I see his motorcycle, I was like Oh man he is here I'm gonna be sick Lourenco, I can't do this! So she's all encouraging me to be confident and just play it off as nothing.

So we walk in there and Mia is in my arms, I'm pretending to text on my phone, and Lourenco was first to order her food. So I'm just like screaming on the inside while I try to play cool looking at the menu board. I hear Michael's voice, "Oh Hey Amanda!" I turn around, and I'm like Oh heyyy Michael! I didn't know you worked at this one? I thought you told me you worked at Delicilizo or whatever it is? And he's like Oh no, I work here.

So Lourenco jumps in and was like "Oh yeah we just came from visiting my boyfriend and he said to come here cause you guys had like the best sandwiches!" Lol she's so silly sometimes.

So he turns to me and was like "What are you having." And I'm like "I just want turkey on bread Nothing else, I'm a picky eater." And he smiles and he's like "Do you want a soft roll?" I was like Yeah that's fine. Then he looks up and he's like "Do you like pickles?" And I laughed and I was like No not since I got pregnant with Mia.

All of a sudden Mia projectile pukes onto the floor. I was like Oh My Gosh, this is not happening. Lmao So I'm like Oh God I'm so Sorry Michael I'm so sorry. He's all like it's okay do you need napkins? I'm like no I got it. Ugh it was so embarrassing!

Anyways, so we ate in peace, Michael pointed out that he had a highchair for Mia. And he even served us our food! They usually don't do that, it's kind of like a subway you just grab your food at the counter. Lol then he came and cleaned up our plates and everything, as he came over to my table he goes "Can I clear that out for ya Missy?"

I busted out laughing, I thought that was so sweet. I was like "Missy?" And he started laughing. Then we left, and as we left, stupid Lourenco beeped the horn to say goodbye lmao.

So that was it, nothing too exciting, just a story I wanted to share!


Did you guys know that Mia is crawling?! It's so freaking cute! I can't stand it. She's not even 7 months either, plus she is still a peanut, so it looks weird lol. She's crawling, pulling herself up on EVERYTHING, and cruising around the coffee tables in my house.

You can see her crawling here --->
Also a video of Mia talking here --->

& Just since I have been slacking in the picture department too, here are some updated picture of Mia!

Ah I can't even stand the cuteness!

This is Lourenco and Mia! ... Mia looks a little devilish here.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Lord, I surrender ...

- First and foremost, I am sorry I suck at updating lately, I have been so tired from working. I promise I shall try to update you ladies more frequently.

Last April, my cousin more or so like a sister to me and her husband introduced me to my church at the Awakening Conference. Last April I was in such a bad place. And within a year's work with the Lord now by my side, it is just amazing how far I have come. I am truly blessed. At that time, as we all know I was with Javier. A selfish bitch is not even the best way to describe the 'old me.' But where I am today, is just amazing. It still feels so surreal. I was 17 and pregnant, I thought I knew everything, and I thought everything was going to work out in my favor. But I was wrong, and the Lord knew it too.

After leaving Javier I was heartbroken. I had my daughter whom I love with everything inside of me. I got back into church and was worshipping Jesus everyday. Desperately trying to figure out what was best for Mia and what was best for me, but also what was best for Javier. Even though I had God by my side, I was only giving the Lord part of me. Something was holding me back, I cannot figure out what it was, but I was being held back just a tidbit.

Awakening just passed again this year, and being back there just made me have flashbacks from last year's awakening conference. I sobbed the whole time, just thinking how fortunate I really am. The family and friends I have surrounding me. My beautiful daughter. A new job, college opportunities, everything. I am so thankful to the Lord for giving me these things in my life. But still, I did not give myself fully to God. That night at Awakening this year, Adam McCain was telling everybody to surrender. Surrender everything, relationships, goals, desires, plans, everything and anything.

As I walked up to the alter sobbing, I lifted my hand for Jesus and closed my eyes. I began to pray, I started to worship. I prayed for what the Lord has done for me within this last year and how far I have come. I prayed for my daughter, my family, even for my friends. I prayed that everybody in church that night including myself would just surrender. I surrendered that night.

As I stood there just praying, I opened my eyes and looked around. it was just amazing to see how many people were there that night. 1,008 to be exact. I stand there looking around with my hand in the air, I see this woman pushing through the crowd of all these people. I don't know what it was but I knew she was coming for me. That look in her eyes I don't think I could ever forget. i never got her name. But as she came pushing through, my heart dropped. She put her hands on me and started to pray, I don't even know what this lady was saying.

I just closed my eyes and prayed with her. My body became so weak, and i got so hot. My knees were just wobbling from left to right. I felt nothing like this ever before. Before I thought I had known what the Holy Spirit felt like inside of you. But until that night, now I KNOW what it feels like. That night I surrendered everything.

Secretly, before that night ... I will admit that I still wanted Javier. I still had hope. It didn't hurt me as much but I still couldn't let go of that little tiny bubble of hope. But that night I surrendered myself from Javier.

I always had this fear, anxiety if you wanna call it, that nobody would ever want me. After they knew about what happened to me with Javier and everything. The fact I am a single mother. Everything. I felt like nobody in this world could ever love me again, I would just be single forever. I would never get married and have that beautiful wedding I have always dreamed of. I surrendered myself from that thought.

Everything is in the Lord's hands. Mia does not need Javier as a father, because Jesus is her father. God will deliver everything I need in life.

I was so scared to be alone for the longest time, up until that night i was still scared. But I had only come to realize that when you choose to walk with the Lord, you are never really alone. God is always by your side.

My life is becoming more of a bliss each day.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

So what do you think?

I've been attending my church since last year, I'm a regular and consistent member of my church. About 2 or 3 months ago, I've starting seeing this guy there, he's always been a member but recently he's been getting more involved.
For the last 10 ten weeks, I've had a class on Wednesday nights for my church. Ministry Classes. Comes to find out he was in my class too. Oh, sorry "he" goes by the name of Michael. :)
So at the beginning of our 10 weeks, I was waiting by my pastor so I could talk to him after he was done with another person. So Michael came up behind me and just started small talk with me, no big deal. That Sunday that came up I had to sit alone with my friend's husband because she was working the Kid's Nursery. So I sat with her husband while Michael was collecting tithings. After church I ran into Michael he asked "So is that your boyfriend you were sitting with today?" I said No I'm single remember I told you that last Wednesday? Lol. So anyways that was that.
Wednesday night comes again, and I was parked allll the way in the back where it's dark and scary. So my friend Chris was walking with Michael and I asked Chris is he was parked back there but he wasn't. So Michael says 'Are you parked back there?" And I said Yess. And he goes Did you need somebody to walk you to your car. I was like Uhhh haha well I don't need somebody but I do get creeped out over there. So he said he would walk me to my car.
At the end of the night him and Pastor Ron walked me to my car and I was talking about how I needed to get my hubcap changed cause it was all cracked. And Pastor Ron was gonna do it then but I didn't have my other hubcap with me.
The next Wednesday night class, Michael walked me to my car again and he was like "Did you ever get that hubcap changed" (Note: I didn't even mention anything about my car, he brought it up by himself!) And I was like nope not yet. And he goes "I can take care of that for you on Sunday." I was like Okayy!
Sooo.. Sunday comes around and after church he comes outside to change my hubcap. It was really hot so I put Mia in her car seat and left the door open so she wouldn't suffocate. And while I was doing that, he yells over "Don't close her door she might die of the heat!" lmao, Thanks but I already knew this. So he's changing my hubcap and he asked how it got all cracked and I told him that my daughter's father kicked it in when he got mad at me. And he says "Oh how long ago was this?" I said It was a while back and he goes "Well how long is a while?" And I was like... uhhh last January. And he goes "Oh okay cause I'm just trying to figure everything out." Lol whatever, that doesn't have any relevance to my car.
So yeah, my last class comes and I had to share my testimony. What brought me to Jesus? So my testimony is what happened with my father and then with Javier. Michael walked me to my car again that night and I was talking about Mia, and he goes 'Amanda thank you for sharing your testimony, that is amazing. And I'm so glad that you're alive and okay today. And that you got your life back on track and you walk around with that big smile all the time."

End of story lol. Comments, suggestions, anything, come on ladies tell me what's good with this situation?!?!?!
 Haha am I just overanalyzing this? Or is he showing signs of interest?

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Catching up: Work, School, Flood, Birthday & more.

It feels like forever since I had a freakin' computer. So much has happened. I believe Mia is 2 months older than she was since my computer crashed. (which is still getting fixed by the way, Thank the Lord for my laptop!)

So Mia is about to be 6 months old on the 10th of April. Crazy how it's flying by. She's ready to crawl, although she's been crawling backwards for a few weeks now, she got 2 teeth in. My baby isn't a baby anymore :(
This is Mia when she was 4 months. Strong girl!

& These two are from her 5 month photos!

Okay about a month ago I signed up for school, met with an advisor, submitted my entry application at CCRI and now I'm am officially an matriculated student! I'm just taking my general education courses there and transferring to RIC after I get my associates degree at CCRI. I'm plan to major in Social Working.

I found a job at Dunkin Donuts, I absolutely dread working there again because I worked at two other Dunkin's for almost 3 years already. So I'm sick of donuts and making haha. But money is money and I need money so here I am working at Dunkin again. I'm working the night shift, so my usual hours are 5 to 12:30ish.

I met a boyyyy! His name is Michael and he is Christian just like me! We go to the same church, he's 21 and so so nice! He offered to change my hubcaps on my car! I think he's interested, but maybe I'm just reading the wrong signs haha.

Historical Flood hit RI last week. Basically my whole city was under water, it was horrific. I got water in my basement, but thank God we live on a hill, some people got it worse like 5-6 feet of water in their house. The mall here is under water, totally ruined. They estimated it will cost over 5 million to fix. It's crazy, the water dams almost broke! Here are a few of the millions of photos.

Some houses by the beaches. & One of the dams.

Colony Ford, a car dealership. Every car is under water.

 Inside the mall :(

Down the street from me. Crazy.


So it's been crazy over here in RI. This flood was declared historic and will be in the textbooks when our kids are older apparently. Those were just a few of the pictures from thousands. It's heartbreaking and scary. The highway even got shut down for like two or three days cause the River was overflowing Highway 95.

My Birthday was Thursday, April 1st! My mom told me I could go out and she would watch Mia all night, not that Mia gets up in the middle of the night anyways. So me and my friends went to the club! It was so much fun, except for the fact I could barely dance or even walk the whole time cause of the heels I was wearing. But next time I go I am going to wear flat shoes haha. I got home at 5 in the morning, and I suppose Mia heard us walk in cause she was in her crib waiting for me haha. So I never went to bed that night or morning. I had to be into work for 5 that day and I got out at 1am. It was crazy with no sleep but I had a good time!

Alrighty folks, Mia is calling my name so i'll catch you cats later!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Super 18!

Okay, not yet but Thursday this week, April 1st, is my 18th birthday! So exciting! I remember I had so many plans for this birthday, but now that I have Mia things changed.

So for my birthday, OH I did get the laptop, but can't offically use it till my birthday! It's banginnnnn. Sorry, so for my big day I'm going out to eat with my mom and sister and Mia, possibly some friends. And my mom said she will watch Mia that night so I can go out. I'm so excited!

So I will be back in action very soon girls! Miss you ladies!

Hugs and kisses <3

Thursday, March 4, 2010


Okay so Javier talks to me when it's a good time for him ... every 2 months I'll say. So I log onto myspace today to find that his status says he is not in PR anymore, he is in Milwaukee. That's where his real mother lives.

So he has money to go see his mother, but not to come here and meet his daughter. WTF.

I have no words for how pissed I am right now. I might be wrong here, but it just really pisses me off that he will go see his mother before he comes and sees his daughter.

That is all.

On a good note, my mom told me she got me the laptop! - But cant have it till April 1st.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

I just have to say one thing.


Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Just a few pictures.

Of my darling daughter of course.

On the bump tonight some played my PIP game. Posting a newborn picture and a recent one.
Here is Mia newborn, 1 day old to be exact.

 So teeny tiny, with a ton of hair.

And this picture was taken tonight ...

Just insane how you can go from that to this. All within three months. Mia has always been an alert baby, even when she first entered the world. Everybody would comment on how alert she is. She smiles, she laughs, she tries to grab my nose and mouth. She holds rattles, and she is sitting up! 3 months and sitting up! When I hold both her hands she can stand up straight and steady!

She's like superhuman! Okay, not really but since I wanna be bias for a second, then yeah she is superhuman. Most babies learn how to sit up at 6 months, Mia pretty much has it down right now, but she started to sit up at 2 months and like 3 weeks. And I'm sure there are other babies who sat up really early too. It just amazes me because it's MY daughter, ya know?

I remember when I first got my BFP, I was in shock. I didn't believe it for the first two weeks. Complete awe. But now, jeez I could not picture my life without her. She helps me with everything, and keeps me going. She made me into the person I am today and I am so thankful, because no matter what anybody says, God gave me her at this time in my life for a reason.

But I am guilty of something. Something I can never forgive myself for. Probably something I will never confess to her when she is older. I will never forgive myself for letting Javier beat me as many times as he did while I was carrying her inside of me. I was so naive thinking it would never happen again. And I love Javier with all my heart, but I just can never forgive myself for that. Letting it go on so long just so I would not suffer a broken heart. I am a poor excuse sometimes.

But I love my baby with all my heart. And I wouldn't change one thing whatsoever. She is perfect to me.

I also have this idea I wanna share. I saw this little thing at Things Remembered. It looks like an envelope sorta. It says love on it with a stamp in the corner.

I wanna buy that, engrave "No one will understand the strength of love I have for you. After all, you're the only one who know what my heart sounds like from the inside." And write letters to her in there. Not like a letter everyday, but every once in a while. I wanna keep writing till she gets older, and on her wedding day I wanna give her that as a gift from me. Corny, but whatever.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

My Guardian Angel

The first time I met him was back in April of last year. I was about 4 months pregnant at the time. I call him my guardian angel because in my heart that is exactly what he is to me. He saved my life that night in April and for that he is my guardian.

April 15, 2009 I had gone to the Awakening Conference at this church, NewLife Worship Center, my cousin was trying to get me to go to. I had come home to an empty house, so I got in my car and left to go look for Javier. I figured he was either at Wendy's or Subway. I went to Dunkin and decided to text him to see where he was. He was across the street at Subway. I told him I would be there in 2 minutes cause I was next door, then he said he had left to go to the gas station up the street.

So I drove my car up to the gas station, only to find them trying to leave as I pulled in. I sped up and stopped next to their car. Javier and me had a blowout fight, then he got out of my car and left with Jaimie and Alissa. I got wicked upset and peeled out onto Rt. 2 and started driving to the lake. The lake was a place I would always go to just clear my head, and when I didn't want to be bothered. Little did I know, God had a different plan for me that night.

I arrived at the lake around 11pm. I couldn't stop crying. I just wanted to scream. About 15 minutes after I showed up, a car drove in. It was just me and him parked inside our cars. For an hour I was just sitting there, thinking how I got to this place. Why me? Why was God doing this to me? How could I have been so blinded by Javier that I couldn't or wouldn't just leave. I quickly thought about just driving my car into the lake, just ending it all. I saw no light ahead of me, so why not? Javier had already started to abuse me by this point. I didn't know which way was up anymore.

I got out of my car and walked over to this persons car, he was standing outside. I wiped my tears and asked if he had a tissue. I really did need a tissue, because I could barley breath, but deep down I needed somebody to talk to, even if it was a stranger. He told me he didn't have one, but he had a sweatshirt. I don't know why he even said that, I wasn't going to blow my nose on his sweater? But whatever. I started to walk away, kind of disappointed that he didn't even care to ask if I was okay.

I got to my car and I heard him yell "Hey." I turned around ... "Are you okay?" He started to walk towards me.

His name is James and he saved my life. That might sound a little dramatic to some, but he did. And I'm not talking about he saved my life because I thought of suicide for a split second. I could never honestly kill myself anyways. He saved my life because I think deep down inside I would of died that night, because Javier would have killed me.

Around 12:30am Javier sent me a message "My Love, I am just going to sleep here tonight. I love you my love goodnight :("

That was it, I was pissed. I'm pregnant and alone and you don't even have the decency to come home at night because you think that weed is more important than our future family? Oh no. I replied, "Well Javier, if you can sleep there you can live there too because I'm not having this bullshit anymore of you not coming home. Goodnight."

The conversation lead to me eventually telling Javier I was going to go pack all his shit and throw it all on Jaimie's lawn. (Jaimie lived with her aunt and uncle at their house) He flipped out. Our conversation lead to violence. Somewhere along these lines he told me "Amanda, I swear to God, I swear on me, you, my brothers, my sister, my daughter, my son, the baby inside you, my mother, my father, my grandmother that if you come here tonight I will kill you. I will fuck you in the ass with a beer bottle. Then I will drive your car into the water with you inside. I will go to your house and burn it down with your family inside of it. You better not fucking come here."

Now I talked to my therapist about this night. She told me that there is a difference between somebody saying they are going to kill you and somebody saying they are going to kill you and tell you how they plan to do it. Because of what she knows about my situation, she thinks if I went to Jaimie's that night I could of been seriously hurt, or dead.

James stayed with me at the lake that night til 4 in the morning. He talked me to. He listened to me and watched as I cried. I didn't hug him, I didn't even touch him. I couldn't give him my number to check on me the next day. He understood why though. To me, a simple hug would have been cheating in my eyes. I don't cheat, so I didn't hug. The only thing I gave James that night was a promise. I promised to not go to Jaimie's that night, I promised to wait until the morning after.

We went our separate ways that night. And every time I go to the lake, I think of him and that night.

This is the lake. & That is James.

James found me on facebook, and I told him we should meet up so I can catch him up on what happened since I saw him on that night in April.

Maybe if I actually did go to Jaimie's nothing serious would of happened to me, but from what has happened in the past, maybe it would of happened. But I like to think that James somewhat saved my life that night. He, a total stranger, cared enough about another stranger to just ask what was wrong. And for that I will always thank him.

I think God set that whole thing up though. That night I came home from that Awakening Conference not really knowing about what or how I felt about that church. And when I told him where I was earlier that night he turned to me and said, "My sister was at that Conference tonight too." I instantly got the goosebumps, I knew, I felt that it was a sign. - I like to believe that God set that up. Because honestly, knowing Javier, who knows what could of happened if I went to Jaimie's that night. Who knows.

But James knew enough to at least stop me for that one night.