Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Just a few pictures.

Of my darling daughter of course.

On the bump tonight some played my PIP game. Posting a newborn picture and a recent one.
Here is Mia newborn, 1 day old to be exact.

 So teeny tiny, with a ton of hair.

And this picture was taken tonight ...

Just insane how you can go from that to this. All within three months. Mia has always been an alert baby, even when she first entered the world. Everybody would comment on how alert she is. She smiles, she laughs, she tries to grab my nose and mouth. She holds rattles, and she is sitting up! 3 months and sitting up! When I hold both her hands she can stand up straight and steady!

She's like superhuman! Okay, not really but since I wanna be bias for a second, then yeah she is superhuman. Most babies learn how to sit up at 6 months, Mia pretty much has it down right now, but she started to sit up at 2 months and like 3 weeks. And I'm sure there are other babies who sat up really early too. It just amazes me because it's MY daughter, ya know?

I remember when I first got my BFP, I was in shock. I didn't believe it for the first two weeks. Complete awe. But now, jeez I could not picture my life without her. She helps me with everything, and keeps me going. She made me into the person I am today and I am so thankful, because no matter what anybody says, God gave me her at this time in my life for a reason.

But I am guilty of something. Something I can never forgive myself for. Probably something I will never confess to her when she is older. I will never forgive myself for letting Javier beat me as many times as he did while I was carrying her inside of me. I was so naive thinking it would never happen again. And I love Javier with all my heart, but I just can never forgive myself for that. Letting it go on so long just so I would not suffer a broken heart. I am a poor excuse sometimes.

But I love my baby with all my heart. And I wouldn't change one thing whatsoever. She is perfect to me.

I also have this idea I wanna share. I saw this little thing at Things Remembered. It looks like an envelope sorta. It says love on it with a stamp in the corner.

I wanna buy that, engrave "No one will understand the strength of love I have for you. After all, you're the only one who know what my heart sounds like from the inside." And write letters to her in there. Not like a letter everyday, but every once in a while. I wanna keep writing till she gets older, and on her wedding day I wanna give her that as a gift from me. Corny, but whatever.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

My Guardian Angel

The first time I met him was back in April of last year. I was about 4 months pregnant at the time. I call him my guardian angel because in my heart that is exactly what he is to me. He saved my life that night in April and for that he is my guardian.

April 15, 2009 I had gone to the Awakening Conference at this church, NewLife Worship Center, my cousin was trying to get me to go to. I had come home to an empty house, so I got in my car and left to go look for Javier. I figured he was either at Wendy's or Subway. I went to Dunkin and decided to text him to see where he was. He was across the street at Subway. I told him I would be there in 2 minutes cause I was next door, then he said he had left to go to the gas station up the street.

So I drove my car up to the gas station, only to find them trying to leave as I pulled in. I sped up and stopped next to their car. Javier and me had a blowout fight, then he got out of my car and left with Jaimie and Alissa. I got wicked upset and peeled out onto Rt. 2 and started driving to the lake. The lake was a place I would always go to just clear my head, and when I didn't want to be bothered. Little did I know, God had a different plan for me that night.

I arrived at the lake around 11pm. I couldn't stop crying. I just wanted to scream. About 15 minutes after I showed up, a car drove in. It was just me and him parked inside our cars. For an hour I was just sitting there, thinking how I got to this place. Why me? Why was God doing this to me? How could I have been so blinded by Javier that I couldn't or wouldn't just leave. I quickly thought about just driving my car into the lake, just ending it all. I saw no light ahead of me, so why not? Javier had already started to abuse me by this point. I didn't know which way was up anymore.

I got out of my car and walked over to this persons car, he was standing outside. I wiped my tears and asked if he had a tissue. I really did need a tissue, because I could barley breath, but deep down I needed somebody to talk to, even if it was a stranger. He told me he didn't have one, but he had a sweatshirt. I don't know why he even said that, I wasn't going to blow my nose on his sweater? But whatever. I started to walk away, kind of disappointed that he didn't even care to ask if I was okay.

I got to my car and I heard him yell "Hey." I turned around ... "Are you okay?" He started to walk towards me.

His name is James and he saved my life. That might sound a little dramatic to some, but he did. And I'm not talking about he saved my life because I thought of suicide for a split second. I could never honestly kill myself anyways. He saved my life because I think deep down inside I would of died that night, because Javier would have killed me.

Around 12:30am Javier sent me a message "My Love, I am just going to sleep here tonight. I love you my love goodnight :("

That was it, I was pissed. I'm pregnant and alone and you don't even have the decency to come home at night because you think that weed is more important than our future family? Oh no. I replied, "Well Javier, if you can sleep there you can live there too because I'm not having this bullshit anymore of you not coming home. Goodnight."

The conversation lead to me eventually telling Javier I was going to go pack all his shit and throw it all on Jaimie's lawn. (Jaimie lived with her aunt and uncle at their house) He flipped out. Our conversation lead to violence. Somewhere along these lines he told me "Amanda, I swear to God, I swear on me, you, my brothers, my sister, my daughter, my son, the baby inside you, my mother, my father, my grandmother that if you come here tonight I will kill you. I will fuck you in the ass with a beer bottle. Then I will drive your car into the water with you inside. I will go to your house and burn it down with your family inside of it. You better not fucking come here."

Now I talked to my therapist about this night. She told me that there is a difference between somebody saying they are going to kill you and somebody saying they are going to kill you and tell you how they plan to do it. Because of what she knows about my situation, she thinks if I went to Jaimie's that night I could of been seriously hurt, or dead.

James stayed with me at the lake that night til 4 in the morning. He talked me to. He listened to me and watched as I cried. I didn't hug him, I didn't even touch him. I couldn't give him my number to check on me the next day. He understood why though. To me, a simple hug would have been cheating in my eyes. I don't cheat, so I didn't hug. The only thing I gave James that night was a promise. I promised to not go to Jaimie's that night, I promised to wait until the morning after.

We went our separate ways that night. And every time I go to the lake, I think of him and that night.

This is the lake. & That is James.

James found me on facebook, and I told him we should meet up so I can catch him up on what happened since I saw him on that night in April.

Maybe if I actually did go to Jaimie's nothing serious would of happened to me, but from what has happened in the past, maybe it would of happened. But I like to think that James somewhat saved my life that night. He, a total stranger, cared enough about another stranger to just ask what was wrong. And for that I will always thank him.

I think God set that whole thing up though. That night I came home from that Awakening Conference not really knowing about what or how I felt about that church. And when I told him where I was earlier that night he turned to me and said, "My sister was at that Conference tonight too." I instantly got the goosebumps, I knew, I felt that it was a sign. - I like to believe that God set that up. Because honestly, knowing Javier, who knows what could of happened if I went to Jaimie's that night. Who knows.

But James knew enough to at least stop me for that one night.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Happy 3 Months!

So today (January 10, 2010) Mia is 3 months!
I can't believe ittttttt. ohmygoodness!

She's getting cuter and cuter every single day, I can't stand it. I'm literally at the point where I grind my teeth every time I see her or hold her cause I just want to squeeze the crap out of it. But I have to contain myself, I don't wanna kill the kid.

But on her 'Monthday' today, she had to be babysat by my friend Alex cause I had my Aunt Barb's wake tonight. When I got Mia back from Alex, I got the report on how she was while I was gone. Alex said she was great, she ate, she burped, she peed. And was overall happy!

But once we got home she was screaming. Poor thing. I gave her a bottle, and she screamed through eating, she never does this. I hope she's not getting sick! If she acts like this tomorrow I'm gonna take her to the doctors. My friggen mother puts the worst thing in my head, "Oh no she never is like this, I hope nothing is wrong with her intestines." - Really mom? She's probably just gassy or sick.

Anyways, I did Mia's "photoshoot" late tonight since I was gone most of the day and didn't have time for it in the morning.


Monday, January 4, 2010

Bad Start to the New Year.

It's just one thing after another.

I'll start with my aunt Sharron. She was diagnosed with colon cancer about 9 months ago I believe. She was in very good spirits, she was fighting it. The last few weeks she was doing very well, very skinny, but that's expect able under the circumstances with chemo and everything. A few days before New Year's Eve she went to the hospital because her throat wouldn't keep anything down. It was closing up.

New Year's Eve the doctors told her that she had about 3 days left to live. January 3, 2010 at 1:16 in the morning, she passed away. - It came out of no where. My aunt was only 49 years old, she didn't even get to live half her life. I'm not mad at God, because I know he didn't do this to us. I know that is sometimes the first question asked when things like this happen "Why is God doing this to me?"

But why not you? Why are YOU so special that you don't deserve it. If not you, it will just be somebody else. I have strong faith in God and I know that he took my aunt so she didn't have to suffer anymore. God is taking care of her now. But anyways, God rest with my aunt's soul.


Now, my Aunt Barb. I believe she is like 79 years old. Such a sweet old woman who never ever in her life complained, she was truly always a happy-go-lucky type of woman. A heart full of Gold. I would say about 8 or 9 years ago she had a massive stroke. But she is strong-willed woman and she pulled through a while after.

Maybe if she never had that stroke years ago, things would be different. But we can't change the past, everything happens for a reason. Now my aunt started to develop dementia, which is sort of like Alzheimer's disease but worse I think. She started to get that maybe a year or 2 ago. She's pretty much completely gone. But she is still so happy.

A few weeks ago she had another stroke, which lead to a heart attack later on that week. My Aunt Barb was suppose to die like 2 weeks ago the doctors say. Everybody is in awe that she is still hanging on. She is on medication so she's not in pain, but this dear woman hasn't eaten or drank anything in over a week. But she is still hanging on. She's totally out of it.

I think that she was waiting for my Aunt Sharron to go, so she can go with her. Weird how things like that happen. Maybe you don't believe in what I believe, maybe it's pure crazy. But it puts peace in my mind that it may be true. They may go together. But where ever they are or where ever they go I pray that they are both at peace and are with each other and my other family members up there.

My heart goes out to my Aunt Dotty though. Losing her daughter and now waiting for her sister to go. - We are playing the waiting game with my Aunt Barb, I think that's the worse. Just knowing when that person is going to die at any day, any minute, any second now.

Some people think they would want to know what day and time they will spend their last day on Earth, but do you really? Do you really want to know the day you're going to die? Just waiting and counting all the days til your last breath on Earth? I used to want to know, but when you put it into perspective, I think I would pass. I will die when I die.

Rest In Peace Auntie Sharron.