Pregnant.

Wait, before you start going off ... I'm not pregnant.

It's funny how not even 2 months ago, I was impatiently waiting to be un-pregnant. When I was pregnant, I wanted my outside baby horribly. I thought I hated being pregnant while I was actually pregnant.

And the people who have already had babies always told me that I would miss being pregnant. I thought they were nuts. On the upside to my pregnancy, I can honestly say despite the morning sickness & stress, I had a really easy pregnancy. My back never hurt, I didn't have to pee 38742 times a day, I slept wonderfully on my side-stomach like I usually do without any pillows.

I just was so impatient and I wanted to meet my baby so bad.

But now that I look at her, I sit in disbelief that I actually have a baby now. And the feeling is great, don't get me wrong. I love being a mother to this beautiful child. But I guess it's true, I miss being pregnant.

I feel like I didn't embrace all those flutters and kicks I would feel each day that passed. I miss my bump so much. Especially now because it's all loose skin I'm trying to make go away. Lol. Sometimes I still believe I am pregnant and forget and have to remind myself that Mia is sound asleep in the next room.

I look at Mia sometimes though, and I am just amazed at how beautiful this precious child is. She is just so innocent and dependent on me. And at times it gets really tough. I'm blessed to have a mother who is willing to help so much too. And yes it makes me sad that Javier isn't here to enjoy it neither. For a while I didn't want anybody's help, except for Javier's. I planned on just doing it by myself. But I'm glad I caved in because I think if I refused the offered help I would of shot myself in the head by now.

People understand the fact that 'it will be hard' when they are pregnant. But nobody really knows exactly how hard it is until the baby is born. And although it is no excuse but I can see how a mother would kill their babies. Sometimes people just get to that point and they're not thinking straight. The baby won't stop crying, you don't know what to do and they snap. It's horrible to hear but I can see how people get to that point.

I would never let myself get there. I'm not a fan of letting a newborn cry it out, but if I need to put Mia down for 5 minutes to get my head on straight again. I will do it.

But yes I do miss being pregnant, but at the same time I love having Mia actually here.

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On another subject. Infamous Javier.

I know that a lot of you women think I'm the typical 17 year old teenager. And everybody thinks I am a complete moron for wanting to be with him still. All of you are knocking me about being a mom also and what I need to do for a better life with Mia.

Yes I miss Javier terribly. Yes I WISH that he could change so it would be okay for us to be the family I hope and wish for. & Yes, I am an idiot.

But I believe you guys lack to see what I am saying.

I left Javier in Puerto Rico. Left him. He is no where near arms reach of me or Mia. That was a huge step for me. And I like to commend myself for that because for once I wasn't thinking about myself, I was thinking about Mia. I went back to school and got my GED. I decided on GED because it was the fastest way I could actually graduate before the baby came. I needed to get that out of the way. If I had enrolled back into school I would of just been 2 years behind from missing almost all my junior year. I am starting college in either the spring or the fall at the latest. Right now I am home and my mom is financially supporting us. But I'm in the process of finding a job. And I don't think I need to explain to you about economy.

I am trying. I am trying to make a better life for myself so I will be able to take care of me and Mia on my own one day without my mothers help. I know that being with Javier is bad for me now. I know this people. And all of you sit there and tell me that I need to grow up. I did grow up a lot in the past nine months. But excuse me for missing somebody that I truly, honestly, and deeply fell in love with.

You expect me to just turn off the switch, right? No, it's not that friggen easy. Yeah it's really not. I don't expect you guys to understand the way I am feeling, because you simply have not gone through it.

My mom's friend was abused by her boyfriend for many many years. I always thought her mom was so stupid for letting it go on. But then I got involved with Javier and things were perfect for us. I fell especially hard because he was my 'net' while everything at home was falling apart for me. Then I got pregnant and that's when it began. But Javier had already had me at that time because I was pregnant with his child. Plus I loved him and thought it wouldn't happen again.

I was wrong. But until I went through it, I NEVER understood why people would deal with it. Now I do. And it's not easy.

As for dating. I'm not looking. I'm talking about the future. And I honestly feel that way. Like I will never find somebody because I'm always going to be stuck on Javier. And maybe I won't. But for now that's how I feel. I feel like I can never get back into the dating scene, because I'll always be hung up on him. Or I'm too self conscious of how I look now.

That is all.