Friday, October 30, 2009

Sperm donor.

That is what I think of my father now. A sperm donor.

I do not even know where to start with this post. Seriously.

This man has an addictive personality. Addicted to coffee, cigarettes, work, gambling, & the list goes on. His gambling addiction brought my family into a hole. Over $300,000 worth of debt. We almost lost the house, the house hasn't been paid in about a year because they had to file bankruptcy last year in order to save the house. We are in the middle of modification with the bank.

In 2005 is when the gambling started to get out of control. He kept saying he didn't need any help, because he simply wasn't like those other people in GA meetings. My parents got separated since then. He secretly got involved with a 28 year old girl (back then she was 24 & my dad was 39, now my father is 43) he confessed only after I caught him living there, because I happened to notice his truck parked outside some random house in the morning every time my bus would drive by. Since then he has not moved out of her place.

He told my mother not to divorce him because 'he is a sick man and he needs help, then he will be home.' LIE. Two years ago maybe, he came home for 4 days, and left to go back to that girl, Lindsay. My mom wanted to divorce him again, but he insisted she let him get help.

Started going to GA meetings finally, got help and has supposedly been recover for almost a year now. His last day clean of a bet was sometime in December of last year. But we have reasons to believe he has gambled since then but I won't get into that right now anyways.

About a month ago my parents got into a fight. My mom was getting sick and tired of him coming over to the house to eat nice home cooked meals and watching TV, then leaving to go right back to her. He has never once taken me or my sister out. He just always came over to chat with my mom. My mom gave him the ultimatum of not coming back to the house ever again until he has his shit to come home with. She never once said anything about withholding me or my sister from him, he could take us if he wanted but he was not allowed over the house.

Two days later, he came home. But once he came home, he was never there. Went to work, came home for an hour to eat for about an hour, then he was gone again until after 11:30pm. My mom never really said anything about it. Some days during the week he had GA meetings to go to, so he would go there, but those meetings end at 9ish. So where was he after? Probably with Lindsay, but he claims he was at the bar.

Basically told my mom one night that he was 'physically ill from being away from this girl." Why? Who the hell knows, this girl did nothing for him. Doesn't cook, fuck she doesn't even know how to. Her meals consist of frozen TV dinners. Doesn't offer to do his laundry. & It's not like he's there for the sex, because she's no fun in the sack as he says. Foreplay is a no-go with this twat. My mom did everything for him, cooked, cleaned, made lunches, laundry. She lives in a 1 bedroom box apartment in the ghetto, where we have this big beautiful house in a good neighborhood. Everything was done when that man came home.

So this past Saturday he took my mom out for a drive. Told her something like "I know I have put you and the girls on the back burner my whole life, but last night at my meeting it clicked that I wasn't happy. And I need to be happy because if I'm not happy I will gamble again, and you don't want me doing that right?"

So he ended up leaving. Although he would of left the next day if it wasn't for me to tell him to pack his shit and leave.

Now I truly hate this man, and please don't tell me he's my father and all that bullshit. Because NO, he is nothing but a sperm donor in my eyes. He was never there, put everything and anything before me, Hayley, and my mother. He is fake. I hate him and I wish nothing but bad things upon those two idiots. They are nothing but scumbags, and they will have there day.

I am so filled with anger and hurt, and all I want to do is destroy. Destroy everything he has. I want so badly to slash her tires and throw eggs at her car. I want to take a black sharpie and write on his big red truck "Hi I am a compulsive gambler who left my family for a 28 year old Lush." And draw a big penis on the other side of the truck. But they are both very lucky, cause I would sacrifice jail to do those things. But I can't because I have Mia now.

And I didn't think it could get any better, but it did. My mom and him were talking late one night and he was crying. This was before I gave birth. He was crying how he was so worried about me and told my mom not to tell me that he was having a hard time coming home because he was physically ill being away from this girl. He told her that he thinks I am going to die during delivery. And I quote, "I am worried that Amanda will die during labor. I hope that baby dies before Amanda does." YOU SON OF A BITCH.

You know what motherfucker? I hope you jump to another fucking addiction. It will probably be either alcohol or sex addiction. You always drink now all of a sudden, because that fucking twat face always has you sitting in the damn apartment drinking rum coke with her skank ass right? Or maybe it will be sex addiction since all the fucking porn movies you order while you were home, when you were sleeping in my fucking bed you sick fuck.

You may have 'recovered' from gambling, but like YOU even told me ... most people with an addiction jump from one addiction to the other. You will go down in a hole again, guaranteed. And once you hit rock bottom this time I am almost positive that you will off yourself. & You know what? I will throw a party.

I feel nothing to despise and hatred towards that man. And I am so done with him.

Saturday, October 24, 2009


Seriously, this man wants to drive me to the grave.

I am busy now. I'm not pregnant and moping around any longer. My life consists of Mia now. Feeding her, changing her, bathing her, etc etc. And when I am not doing that I am sleeping or trying to get things done.

4:40pm I get a text ... "Hey!!"
I didn't reply because I was busy. - & I didn't hear it right away.

Four minutes later I went to check it because I heard my phone beeping. I checked it. Then he texts again.
"You use to text me everyday (and I dont like that) but I kinda got used to it, but you like don't wanna talk now."

SERIOUSLY JAVIER? I love you, and I'll be honest. I wait by the phone everyday for YOUR text. I no longer am going to text you because I AM BUSY. Got it?

Besides, whenever I do text you, you never fucking reply. So what am I to do? Not text you anymore.

Everything I do is just wrong. I text him too much, wrong. I don't text him at all, wrong.

So I replied "Its not that I don't wanna talk to you ... but I don't wanna bother you either. Idk what to do? & I have been trying to text for you 3 days now, but no answer."

He never replied. Story of my life.

Friday, October 23, 2009


Should be my middle name.

Since Mia has become a whole new part of me since she's out of my stomach now. All I do is worry. Sometimes I can just be doing nothing and I will see the image of a drunk driver hitting my car with her in the backseat. I can picture waking up to her gone, or her not alive.

Everything you hear on the radio or news all I can think to myself is "Oh my God what is that was Mia?" Where as before I would just say That is horrible. It's so much different now. And I'm so much more stressed about everything around us.

& Let me just say one thing. PPD sucks. I don't know how many times a day I find myself hysterically crying. One minute I'm crying because I miss Javier. Next I'm mad at myself for leaving, then I'm mad because I shouldn't be mad at myself because it wasn't my fault. Next I'm laughing and crying because I must look ridiculous. Then I am just crying again because I can't believe that he is really not here to see this.

She is just so beautiful. I may be the only one that sees it because she is mine, but I can't help to think how beautiful she really is. Like seriously, I made THAT. Amazing. It makes me so upset that he isn't here to experience any of it either. Her first smile. Her laughs, her cries. Nothing. I do it on my own.

And God Bless my family for all their help, but it just isn't enough. I want Javier. As selfish as that sounds.

I keep praying and wishing and hoping that he will get it together. - He told me the other day that he started college again. Going for 2 years, majoring in Barber and Business. Still no job though. But education is something he does value, and I pray to God he sticks with it. He needs to be doing something with his time other than wasting it by blowing bleezys all day long. 

As happy as I am for him that he is doing something, I still fear for our 'relationship.' He can keep telling me he loves me and everything, but love and sex are two different things. And usually men don't put love and sex together. A man can love you but still have sex with another. It makes me nervous. Going back to school opens up all kinds of ladies doors for him now, and I just don't trust it. But I try not to think about it.

I pray to God this all works out.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

One week old.

Last week at this time I was just getting my epidural. I can't believe my Mia is already a week old, it made me cry last night. She already looks so different, growing more and more into her little tiny features everyday. I just wish I could freeze time, I don't want her to get any bigger. I didn't think it was possible to love anybody more than I loved Javier. But the moment they put her on my chest, the world stopped and it was just me and Mia.

I hope I will never forget that moment. I hope to cherish that moment everyday, for the rest of my life. I really wish Javier was here to see all of this. It's so exciting, and I can't imagine how it feels to be in his shoes. Having a newborn half way across the country. I pray everyday for him to someday see the light, so he can get better. I can only pray and wish and hope though. I cannot change a man.

For Mia's sake, I hope he can get it together for her, not for me. She is so precious, and deserves a father who will be there for not only her but for me. It's harder than I thought .. to be a single teenage mother. I have tremendous help from family, which I am grateful for, but still, there are things missing from the puzzle here.


Friday, October 16, 2009

Mia Allison

So it was just another Friday night, I was overdue and moody. Around 6oclock-ish at night I suddenly felt like a HUGE amount of pressure. I didn't even wanna move. I kinda just stayed put for a while until it simmered down. Ended up going grocery shopping with mom, and came home. Around 9ish the pressure came back. Now, I was getting some back pain too. I thought to myself, is this it?

I was just anxious so I asked my mom if I should call the doctor, she said no because I'm not doubled over in pain. GAY. So I left and went to my cousins house, my cousin is also my labor coach. I stayed there for a while. Around 12:30am I decided to call the doctor because the pressure was being accompanied by pain waves, but not like unbearable ones. The doctor on call said to get the contractions down to at least 5 minutes apart (they were six apart at the time I called) and then head to the hospital to be checked. So I waited an hour maybe and they were down to 3 minutes apart. I went to the hospital.

Got there. Got checked, still 1cm dilated. FML. So they kept me there for an hour but ended up sending me home because I wasn't progressing. Got home around 4am. Pissed off, Wasn't really able to sleep but dosed off here and there. All of a sudden around 6:30am contractions got INTENSE. I was doubled over. Crying just a little, and flipping out on my dad because he kept telling me to "Savor the moments." By 9am I couldn't take it anymore, so we headed back to the hospital.

Got there and got checked again. Now I magically went from 1cm to 1 1/2cm. WOW GREAT WORK VAGINA. Anyways, so they kept me, an hour later, I was at 3cm. They admitted me. THANK GOD, cause I was NOT about to go home with those contractions. Doctor said that another doctor will be covering for my usual OB cause it's the weekend. Again, FML. So contractions started to get worse and worse. I couldn't wait to get to 5cm so I could get an epi. YES, I NEEDED TO GET THE EPI.

Surprisingly, I was doing really good. I wasn't like screaming ot anything, not really crying yet. Just breathing like a mofo when a contraction came upon. The only thing I was really doing was saying that I couldn't do this and I was going to die. But I wasn't yelling, I was politely saying it, if you can imagine how that could sound?

So 5cm came along, got the epi. Let it kicked in and I was in heaven, for about an hour. Apparently, I had a 'window' in my right side. So the epi wasn't working over there. They gave me some pitocin, which made the contractions hurt even more, for me at least. I was crying because I kept telling the nurse I could feel my feet and legs again, and she kept telling me that's good. NOT REALLY, because along with feeling my feet and legs I felt the PAIN too. She was a biitch though, so whatever.
Before I knew it, I was almost at 9cm. They ended up giving me another dose of my epi because the pain was like out of this world for me. I believe I got the second dose right after I was 9cm. So then the pain wore off again about a half an hour later in the same spot. UGH WTF. So I just dealt with it sorta. I was crying at this point a little. Kept saying I couldn't do it, I was scared. A baby was about to come out my vagina though, so I guess it was exceptional behavior.

Doctor came through to check my status, I was 9 1/2cm. Almost there! So I started to push to help make the pain go away, my nurse referred to them as 'practice pushes.' Doctor came in at 10:05pm and said I had about a half and hour left before I needed to really push cause I wasn't 'stretched out enough.' He left the room. I did this HUGE ASS MOTHERFUCKING PUSH. And her came was out. The nurse freaked and was screaming "NANCY GET THE DOCTOR GET THE DOCTOR." The other nurse comes in casually, like what's wrong? Sees the head is clearly out of the vagina. She flies over to my bed, trying desperately to put gloves on, the doctor comes in casually and is yelling at the nurses "Put your hand on the head, push it in." UHM NO WTF BUDDY, WE WANT THE KID OUT.  So then I just pushed again, and Mia Allison was born at 10:07pm.

It was crazy, tiring, and painful. But once she came out it didn't even matter. I didn't cry when he first came out though, I feel kind of guilty. I was just like in shock still about how dumb this doctor covering for me was. I started to cry like 10 minutes later I think. Reality set in by that time.

Overall, labor was 18 hours long. I pushed for 20 minutes, and then she was out. I only had tore slightly, so I ended up with 1 stitch. Prettty good for my first baby i guess! Great work vadge. ;)

Here's my beautiful baby girl.


Friday, October 9, 2009


Dear Mia Allison,
    Doctor Powers just called me dear, I have great news, although I doubt you will like it. Induction is being scheduled for Wednesday of next week, October 14, 2009. I have an appointment with her on Tuesday morning to see if my cervix is ripened, if not I go to the hospital on Tuesday night to start Cervadil. You have exactly 5 days to make your move babe, feel free to do so. But if you don't then I will see you on Wednesday. Love you brat.
                               <3 Love, yo momma.

Byeeee baby bump!

Thursday, October 8, 2009


I am so sick and tired of people asking me the following:
   -When are you due?
   -How are you feeling today?
   -Are you feeling anything today?
   -Did you have that baby yet?
   -You're going to let me know when you go into labor right?

UGHH. fdkjguhsdihfg.
Seriously, I was due YESTERDAY, mark it on your damn calender or something. People, I am not sick, what I feel is pregnant. No I'm not feeling anything today, if I was feeling something, don't you think I would be on my way to labor and delivery? If I had my baby, you would not be seeing me right now obviously dumbass. And dammit, if you have any importance in my life I WILL LET YOU KNOW. Either way, you will find out when I have my baby, whether it's from me personally or you heard it from somebody else. STOP ASKING ME.

On a good note though, my insurance for Mia and myself is all set and done. Also I got my GED scores back. Guess who's graduating in June?! :)
I'm so relieved that those two things are off the list. Now al I'm waiting for is Mia to get here. Which is when? I'd love to know.

No word from Javier since the night I told him I needed to cut off contact with him for the time being until I am able to talk to him without getting upset. I know that everybody says I just need to cut the cord and be gone of him. But in reality it's just not that simple. I know in my head what the right decision to make is, really I do. It's just a battle between my brain and my heart, telling me two different things. I don't wanna be done with him. I still hold on to hope that he could change one day. Maybe If I pray harder, or I wish upon 5 million stars. I don't know what it would take.

I also know that I cannot change Javier. I always knew that, I just wanted him to change. There's a difference. Maybe he will never change, which saddens me. I want things to be okay between us, for Mia's sake also. I'm not perfect, call me crazy if you want. I can't just turn off feelings. It kills me that I can't contact him, it really does, but I know that's what I need to do. I know there are going to be moments in the future where I'm going to have a good cry. And that's okay, because it's not going to last forever, I figure 'if I let the wave hit me, it will eventually pull away.'

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Dear Javier.

Daily, I was waiting for the time to pass and let everything fade in.
Though my patience with our situation drove me crazy, I managed to somehow pull my life together. Just as I was starting to do fine, you called. I was completely caught off guard. My prayers were finally answered, as though that's what it seemed at the time. You talked to me like you never have before. You took complete blame for everything and wanted to try things again. You didn't say anything about doing it now, instead you wanting to wait and get your life together. I was completely supportive.

Time passed as we grew to talking more and more. I became hooked again. You had me wrapped around your finger, and I think that you were aware of what you were doing. It is just a 360 turn for you. Maybe it's my own fault at times, because I have control on letting my guard down. And that is exactly what I did too soon, let my guard down.

God knows how much I really love you Javier. It's so hard these days to just forget about you, especially because we have conceived a child together. I believe that you love me or at least loved me at some point. But right now, the love is not right with you. My heart isn't my brain and I'm not quite sure how to explain all the nonsense we have been through to it. All I ever wanted was for us to work it out. I prayed, I kept faith, I hoped and I dreamed that it could all fall into place one day. And i'm not saying I'm giving up hope now, cause I'm not ready to let go yet.

What I am saying is that I can't let you control me. Dammit Javier, you have a way of controlling me, and your all the way in fucking Puerto Rico. How the hell does that happen? I wait by my phone, you know I do it. You control me by having me wait by the phone for a text or a call. I don't know how to get through to you. There are only so many walls you can build in front of me, I've tried and tried to knock them down. You just keep building them back up.

We are now back to square one. I can't deal. How could you call me, tell me that you want to work it out and all this other bullshit? Then suddenly call it quits? It doesn't make sense to me. If you honestly loved me, you would find a way to make it work. Your daughter Javier, your third child is ready to become a part of this world. How does it make you feel that you cannot witness her being born or for that sake even meet her?

I am seventeen years old Javier, and you're twenty-one. Once I got back from Puerto Rico I have done more shit within a 2 month period than you have done within a full year's period. Honestly Javier, I'm not being a bitch I'm just pointing out the facts here. All you do is waste your days smoking about 19+ blunts a day. Drinking now too. And God knows what else. Get yourself together, you're 21 and have a third child on the way!

It makes me even more upset when I KNOW you can do SO much with your life. I really believe you have the right knowledge and tools to get you by to succeed. But you choose not to do anything. Why? It almost makes me sad. You have no motivation Javier, you need to get some. Time is running out. You have the possibility of jail time if you don't find a job to pay Karla child support, and let me tell you sweetie your dad isn't going to keep giving Karla money every week. You're lucky Sue-hay hasn't come after you for child support after all this time.

I won't ask for your money Javier. I'm not going to be a vindictive bitch who just is enforcing the law on you just because I have a broken heart at the moment. If you choose to be in Mia's life, I hope you do. But don't think you can come around whenever you please, it's going to be scheduled time cause I don't want to fuck her head up. You wanna be a parent, fine, at least be an active participating parent for her.

I want you to change. I want to be back together with you again. Right now though, it's just not the right time. I still have faith in you Javier. And you will forever have a place in my heart as the father of my child and my first unconditional love.But for now I can't be hurt anymore, I can't let myself get down again. I finally just picked myself up off the ground after everything that happened, and you just kind of knocked me down again. I'm getting back up, because I have to.

Nobody will ever understand truly how I personally feel. Could we love again? Maybe. I can only meet you halfway though, you have to be fully willing to give yourself to me in the relationship. I can do that, but you cannot right now. You have issues deeper than I could ever understand, because you never let me in. I can't change you, I always knew I couldn't change you. I just held on to the hope of you changing one day. I still hold on to it.

For now though, it's best if we just don't talk. Until you can be mature about things. It kills me because I love you dearly but I know it's right for us. You still need time to yourself to let things sink in. You will forever have a piece of my heart Javier, know that. But I just can't do this right now with you.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Happy Birthday.

October 5, 2009 - It would of been Brent's birthday. I think he would of been 30? Not sure. It's kind of hard sitting here even thinking about how my aunt Wendy must feel today, knowing Brent passed before her. 

Isn't there a rule? You always go before your children. I guess that couldn't be the case for her.

With Brent's death not too long ago & me bringing life into this world any day now kind of makes me feel, guilty. And I'm not exactly sure how to explain the feeling of guilt I have for it. Because maybe it's just me feeling sorry about my cousin dying while I'm preparing to bring somebody into the world, while he left. 

Last night my dad and I were sitting at the table, and he mentions "It's Brent's birthday tomorrow." I already knew though.  Then he goes on, "If you have the baby tomorrow you HAVE to name her Brentia," with a smile on his face. I laughed ... like that is even a real name. I said "Well, what if she came out to be a boy by surprise, that would be weirddd. I would feel like Brent was reborn into my baby." He started to laugh saying that I would then have to name him Brent.

My dad was set on me going into labor last night. I kind of had my heart set on it too, so I was disappointed this morning when I woke up still pregnant. I was praying that the full moon would have sprinkled some labor dust on me. Guess not.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Tal Vez.

Warning: this could be long. - but this is something I need to get off my chest.

I am Amanda. I am 17, and I am pregnant.
Today I am 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Hopefully this baby decides to make her appearance on time. :::crosses my fingers:::

Let me take you back really quick, maybe 4 years ago? Sound good. Good.
Dad and mom were constantly fighting. His gambling was only getting worse. He was becoming a different person, nobody knew him anymore. He moved out, or did mom get sick of the bullshit and kick him out? I'm not too sure, either way he moved out. Stayed with a friend for a while until he got involved with a 20 something year old bimbo. I figured it all out. That he moved in with her and never told any of us. Gambling only got worse from there. I spilled the beans on his 'new life' and things only got worse from there. Four years later I had fallen into a deep depression.

I was beginning to get rebellious. I hated the way everything was. I hated how my mother knew about his little fling with this chick and still never proceeded to divorce him. I thought, why the hell is this woman so stupid? I just never could fathom the whole situation, waiting for your husband to up and leave his 20 something year old girlfriend and stop gambling to come home after three years dealing with it? It didn't make sense.


August of 2008 I met Javier. Was everything I ever dreamed of finding in a person. Great looking, kindhearted, passionate, hell I'll even throw his Latino heritage in there too. He literally swept me off my feet, as gay as that sounds. I fell madly, deeply, & very quickly. Before I knew it he was the center of my world. I had finally found somebody I could hold onto, possibly never letting go. He was 20 at the time and I was 16, Javier already had two other kids from two different women. It didn't matter to me though, I was already in love.

By late September, I wasn't going to school. I kept skipping to hang out with friends. I was rebellious -- I was 16. I wasn't listening to my parents, I thought that everything that came out of their mouths was not worth listening to. Because seriously, who would listen to them after the kind of example they were setting for me and my younger sister?

Javier needed a place to stay. His roommates were kicking him out, till this day I don't know the whole story. Just that it was over some bullshit. I couldn't live with myself knowing he is on the streets. I asked my parents if he could stay in our downstairs family room until he figured something out. They said no of course, which really set me off.

September 29, 2008 I was at my wits end. My dad came over that morning to ask why I didn't go to school. Mainly it was because they wouldn't let him live with us, but I was just already so upset with everything I was holding inside from 4 years worth of damage. That day I ended up loosing it. I slit my wrist in front of my dad, just so he would shut up. I was sent to Butler Hospital for about 2 and a half weeks.

I got out and Javier was still there. Soon after I was discharged Javier was let into my home, mostly because my parents feared that if they didn't let him stay with us I would only end up back in Butler.

Things were good, almost perfect for me and Javier. I was so much in love. Like I cannot even explain it. I could not get enough.


February 2009 came around, that is when Javier suspected I was pregnant. I didn't think it was possible. I had my mind set on the whole 'I'm invincible because I am 16 years old and that could never happen to ME.' Boy was I wrong. February 6, 2009 is when we found out I was indeed pregnant.

After that, I think, is when things started to go downhill. Javier was going out more with his friend Jaimie. Who is a girl. More like a beast of a girl, but in none the less a girl. They called themselves brother and sister, they were best friends. I honestly don't care what you call her Javier, I am a hormonal jealous crazy pregnant 17 year old and just calling her your sister didn't mean shit to me. Suddenly I was not cool anymore because I was pregnant. I stopped smoking cigarettes and weed once I found out. I didn't want to endanger our baby. So I was mostly left home alone now, while he went out whenever he pleased.

After St. Patrick's Day, I was in for a big surprise. Javier became abusive one day. Why? Who the hell knows, maybe because I was too bitchy. Too bad, I'm pregnant now I can be as big of a bitch as I want to you, especially because YOU aren't living up to your responsibilities as becoming a parent to a THIRD child. You didn't belong out partying sweetie. You're 21 now, have your third kid of the way, and work part-time at Subway, you don't deserve a night out..

I stayed of course. Cause I love him & not only that, I was pregnant. What else could I do? -- OH yes, that's right leave. But I didn't, I stayed, giving him the benefit of the doubt. Things only got worse, not that he was hitting me everyday, cause he wasn't. Just so much stress and arguing and him being out all the time. All I wanted was for him to be home with me, is that so bad?

April came around, he hit me again. I stayed ... again. Somehow before we knew it, we were broken up because he didn't come home one night. & that wasn't the first time, but that night I had had enough. I threw all his shit on Jaimie's front lawn and told him when he wants to learn how to be a responsible father that he knows where my house is. -- Weeks went by and we were right back to where we started. Everything has cooled down. As a matter of fact, we had airline tickets to Puerto Rico. Yeah, we moved to Puerto Rico.

Javier had a way of painting this Beautiful picture in my head.
Puerto Rico is so much better than the United States. Don't get me wrong I loved Puerto Rico, just not the part where we actually lived. He was going to get a full-time job, we were going to be set. Once we got settled in, the only thing we achieved was getting free health insurance, and him smoking about 18 blunts a day. Back to the beginning, once again.

I started to miss home. I had never been away from home before, it was hard. Javier was the only person who spoke English. None of his family could talk to me really, expect his stepmother who spoke very broken English. All I needed from Javier was comfort. Instead I was not only hit this time, I was beaten. I was walking down the street and he was going the other way because we were fighting. All of a sudden 5 minutes down the road, rocks are being flung by me. I look behind me and it's him running 60 mph. He was literally beating me on the streets, the first person I saw driving our way I ran in the middle of the street. Only to get pulled back by my hair to the ground, "This isn't Rhode Island anymore Amanda." -- People did not care, they just looked the other way to that stuff.

He beat me one last time, about 2 weeks later. I was locked inside the house with no way of getting out. Windows are different there, they kind of resemble blinds .. to open them you pull down and if you want them up, pull up. The front door has no door knob, just a keypad, which you need the keys for. He had the set of keys that we shared. He locked me inside our room first, so he could hide all of the phones. Then let me at least roam the house. Told me to pack my bags cause I was going home tomorrow ... if I even made it to the next day. He left, I packed. I looked through the WHOLE house to find a damn phone. I finally found one and called his stepmother and explained what happened. Javier's father came right over to get me out.

I left the next day without Javier even knowing. It was hard. I didn't want to suffer a broken heart, I didn't want to be without him. I loved him, and I don't know why.

I was home, I was safe, but I was sad. I mean, I had everything I needed at home. A nice clean stable place to live, a family most people would kill to have for, and all the support I needed to get by. I needed to get help, so I got a therapist. Boy has she helped me! She gave me motivation to do everything. I got my GED. Applied for WIC and health insurance. Starting looking into college. Everything. My life got back on track.

I didn't call Javier, as much as I wanted to, I didn't. This time he needed to let it sink in, everything he did. So while I got my life back together, he was sitting and stewing about the whole thing. I kept telling myself that if loved me, he would do something about it.

Two and a half months after I got back, he called out of nowhere. First to ask how I was doing. Then texted me 15 minutes later to ask if I could call back once more. I did. He apologized for everything, took FULL responsibility this time. Usually he would let me take half the blame for everything, not this time.

Weeks went by and we kept talking. Things were looking good. All I prayed for was that he would get his shit together. All I wanted still was our happy family. Me, Javier & soon to be Mia Allison. At this point, who knows what could happen? I believe in my heart that people can change, no matter how low or bad something is or was. Change is possible. I hope for Javier's sake, he can get his life together. So we can be together again.

My one and only wish for that situation is that it would work out between us. Hopefully God can hear me when I pray at night, because that is all I want. I want to see things get better for him. I hope the best for him. I hope the best for me.

I have come to the conclusion that maybe it will work out. Maybe we both need to grow. And maybe we can only grow while being apart from each other, because when we tried to grow together, it only failed. I don't know what happened to Javier down the road, I do still love him. & maybe that is a crime to some people because of what he did to me, what he did to Mia.

I believe that he could change. Maybe he's starting to. Hopefully. But as for now I need what is best for Mia. & that is to stay away and let him stew on it. If I was to go crawling back now, it would be too easy for him. He needs to work at it. He might have started to change, but he's not changed yet.
I only hope that things can work out.