Friday, October 23, 2009

Neurotic.

Should be my middle name.

Since Mia has become a whole new part of me since she's out of my stomach now. All I do is worry. Sometimes I can just be doing nothing and I will see the image of a drunk driver hitting my car with her in the backseat. I can picture waking up to her gone, or her not alive.

Everything you hear on the radio or news all I can think to myself is "Oh my God what is that was Mia?" Where as before I would just say That is horrible. It's so much different now. And I'm so much more stressed about everything around us.

& Let me just say one thing. PPD sucks. I don't know how many times a day I find myself hysterically crying. One minute I'm crying because I miss Javier. Next I'm mad at myself for leaving, then I'm mad because I shouldn't be mad at myself because it wasn't my fault. Next I'm laughing and crying because I must look ridiculous. Then I am just crying again because I can't believe that he is really not here to see this.



She is just so beautiful. I may be the only one that sees it because she is mine, but I can't help to think how beautiful she really is. Like seriously, I made THAT. Amazing. It makes me so upset that he isn't here to experience any of it either. Her first smile. Her laughs, her cries. Nothing. I do it on my own.

And God Bless my family for all their help, but it just isn't enough. I want Javier. As selfish as that sounds.

I keep praying and wishing and hoping that he will get it together. - He told me the other day that he started college again. Going for 2 years, majoring in Barber and Business. Still no job though. But education is something he does value, and I pray to God he sticks with it. He needs to be doing something with his time other than wasting it by blowing bleezys all day long. 

As happy as I am for him that he is doing something, I still fear for our 'relationship.' He can keep telling me he loves me and everything, but love and sex are two different things. And usually men don't put love and sex together. A man can love you but still have sex with another. It makes me nervous. Going back to school opens up all kinds of ladies doors for him now, and I just don't trust it. But I try not to think about it.

I pray to God this all works out.

2 comments:

  1. It's not just you -- Mia is gorgeous.

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  2. If a man loves you, he will not go sleep with other women. If he does, he is a selfish ass and loves no one but himself. Also, if someone loves you, they want you to text them ALL DAY LONG and would write back. It sounds like Javier is an immature ass and you deserve better. It sounds like your Dad is the same type of guy, so you probably think all guys are like that and you can't do better, but trust me, only the scum of the earth are like that, there are so many great guys. You and your daughter deserve so much more.

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