Saturday, November 21, 2009

I Surrender.

Tonight, I am surrendering. I have made it clear in my head that I will be single. Forever.

I will not meet a guy who is just going to sweep me off my feet. I just won't. And I am just about so close to be sick over how people tell me I will find somebody. I will not. Seriously, who wants to be with somebody like me? I wouldn't. I have a child now, it changes everything. Nobody wants a girlfriend with a kid at my age. Nobody wants to settle down as much as I do at my age. Nobody is going to want to make love to a girl who has a jello pooch in her stomach and who has a vagina that is all kinds of weird now.

It is just not going to happen.

& If it magically did. I wouldn't let it. I would push that person away, because he is just not Javier. I believe that I will always compare the next guy to Javier. And they will not live up to the standards. And hold on, wait a minute, before you start going off. Standards? What the standards that he beat me and this and that? Not those ones. Just the way Javier was before everything went to shit. And even after it went to shit, the making up part was at its highs sometimes.

This is going to sound sick. But it's almost like I miss the 'making up' part. Where everything was almost perfect after he had hit me. Where I liked hearing him cry at night while he held me after the fighting had stopped. I miss the way he could have been.

But everything is ruined. And sometimes I think to myself, well what if I had just stayed that one last time. It might of been different. He wouldn't of hit me anymore. It was already out in the open, people would of known if he had ever hit me again, so he wouldn't of done it. I look at Mia and feel guilty, for taking her father away from her. I should of tried harder.

He started to hit me again down there because I missed my home life. I should of shut up. I should of just sucked it up.

While I was down in PR though I had read my bible. I was missing my family. I shut my bible and looked at it. I said in my head "God send me a sign, I need to see something. Let me open up to any page and let it teach me something." I open up my book. And I don't feel like going upstairs to get it right now but in a nutshell it was something like this .. One person asked if he could just leave his wife. Talking about how divorce is only for when commits adultery. Then it goes on to how a man needs to leave his family behind and be with his wife. - Something of that nature. Then it clicked with me. I had to leave my family, to be with Javier. Right?

I didn't know what to think. So now here I am, I left him. Did I do the wrong thing?

It's just that, everything I do never seems right, or good enough. I'm starting to blame myself. Maybe if I never deleted Javier from myspace, we would still be talking right now. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I like stalk his page, only to find more hoochies on his top friends and more new pictures that only lead me to crying.

I can't help it. And feel free to flame away for me thinking like this. I still see my counselor. But she can only tell me words on what to do. It can't make the feelings actually go away. I don't want to feel this way. I want everything to be like it was. I want him. The 'addiction' gene runs in my family .... & I am pretty sure I am addicted to him.

So that is that ...It's sad to say. But I have really come to the conclusion I will be single forever. FML.


  1. I'm sure so many people have told you this already, but here goes.

    You might only be 17, but you are a mother now. Your daughter deserves better than Javier. He beat you. While you were PREGNANT. He WILL beat her. I assure you.

    You need to think of your daughter now. Maybe your life is screwed up. Hers is not. Not yet. You have the ability to raise her well and to be a strong, independent woman. She CAN be what you feel you can't ever be anymore. Think of her.

    Now that you're a mother you need to get your act together. You owe it to Mia.

    You need to respect yourself. If you don't respect yourself, at least respect Mia and get your act together.

    Mia needs a strong woman as a role model. She doesn't need a weak, whining, selfish woman as her example. She needs a woman who will show her what it is like to overcome adversity, pull through during the hard times, and make it on her own without needing a man.

    You can give that to her. YES, YOU CAN. But you need to snap out of this.

    That passage in the Bible that you read is about divorce. They are asking Jesus about having more than one wife, etc.

    What Jesus said was that when a man and woman get married, they leave their respective families and become one with their spouse. But, you and Javier were not/are not married, and to be honest, that is a good thing. He was not and is not your family, just like he is not a family with his other two childrens' mothers.

    Mia is your family now.

    You went to PR to live with him, knowing that he was abusive, and the abuse continued and eventually got worse. The best thing you could have done was leave him. And you did.

    Now, it's time to grow up into that wonderful mother that Mia deserves. It's time to get your head on straight, walk away from your past, and work on a new life for yourself and for Mia. You CAN be that mother that Mia will want to be like one day.

    Yes, it's hard. Breakups are so, so hard. But you don't have the luxury of doing whatever you please. Now, things are not about you. They are about Mia. Time to be selfless instead of thinking of your wants and desires only.

    You can do this. It's hard, and it will be hard, but it will be worth it. You'll see.

    As for finding a new man. Now is not the time for that. You need to get your act together for your daughter and be VERY cautious of who you bring into your life. Whoever is in your life is in hers and you need to protect her.

    I'm sure that once you get your life right, in a few years when Mia is a lot older, the right man will come along. You can and will be in a happy relationship.

    Right now, though, it's time to think about your daughter. She deserves that much.

    Good luck.

  2. Oh, my GOD. Could you possibly be a more cliche 17 year old drama queen? You're 17 and you've got a kid, but your life isnt over. Most people dont meet the right person until well past their teen years and plenty of them already have kids. Chill.

  3. Didnt you only know this dude for like a month before you got knocked up? How great could it have been in that month before he started beating the shit out of you?

  4. Girl, now's not the time to be thinking about a man who will want you despite your flabby belly and "weird" vag. You don't need a BF right now. You don't need to be in a sexual relationship right now. That's the LAST thing that should be on your mind.

    Besides, real and deep relationships are not based or centered on sex or on a person's looks. Unfortunately, you seem to think that those things are what's gonna get you a good man. They won't! He should want you for who you are, not for what type of sexual experience you'll give him. If a man REALLY loves you, he will respect you and your body. And later, when the appropriate time for sex comes, he won't mind the flabby belly or the weird vag. Trust me.

    What you need is not a BF, but to pull it together and grow up.

  5. You don't need a man to sweep you off your feet. Take care of yourself and your child. When you are older and the time is right, you will find someone that will respect you and treat you right. Once you find someone worth your time, you won't even think about Javier anymore.

  6. I think the first comment gives you some great advice.

    Also, you can think whatever you want. You can dream of being swept off your feet. You can wonder what it would be like with Javier. You can think you'll be alone forever (which you won't be, if you want my opinion).

    But at this point, what matters is what you're doing. You're taking care of yourself and your daughter, doing the right thing, deleting the myspace account that causes you pain. You can let your mind wander, but keep your actions good.

  7. Believe me...the feelings will go away. I promise. Give it time. It's all you really need. Keep your head up and love on your baby!