Tonight, I am surrendering. I have made it clear in my head that I will be single. Forever.
I will not meet a guy who is just going to sweep me off my feet. I just won't. And I am just about so close to be sick over how people tell me I will find somebody. I will not. Seriously, who wants to be with somebody like me? I wouldn't. I have a child now, it changes everything. Nobody wants a girlfriend with a kid at my age. Nobody wants to settle down as much as I do at my age. Nobody is going to want to make love to a girl who has a jello pooch in her stomach and who has a vagina that is all kinds of weird now.
It is just not going to happen.
& If it magically did. I wouldn't let it. I would push that person away, because he is just not Javier. I believe that I will always compare the next guy to Javier. And they will not live up to the standards. And hold on, wait a minute, before you start going off. Standards? What the standards that he beat me and this and that? Not those ones. Just the way Javier was before everything went to shit. And even after it went to shit, the making up part was at its highs sometimes.
This is going to sound sick. But it's almost like I miss the 'making up' part. Where everything was almost perfect after he had hit me. Where I liked hearing him cry at night while he held me after the fighting had stopped. I miss the way he could have been.
But everything is ruined. And sometimes I think to myself, well what if I had just stayed that one last time. It might of been different. He wouldn't of hit me anymore. It was already out in the open, people would of known if he had ever hit me again, so he wouldn't of done it. I look at Mia and feel guilty, for taking her father away from her. I should of tried harder.
He started to hit me again down there because I missed my home life. I should of shut up. I should of just sucked it up.
While I was down in PR though I had read my bible. I was missing my family. I shut my bible and looked at it. I said in my head "God send me a sign, I need to see something. Let me open up to any page and let it teach me something." I open up my book. And I don't feel like going upstairs to get it right now but in a nutshell it was something like this .. One person asked if he could just leave his wife. Talking about how divorce is only for when commits adultery. Then it goes on to how a man needs to leave his family behind and be with his wife. - Something of that nature. Then it clicked with me. I had to leave my family, to be with Javier. Right?
I didn't know what to think. So now here I am, I left him. Did I do the wrong thing?
It's just that, everything I do never seems right, or good enough. I'm starting to blame myself. Maybe if I never deleted Javier from myspace, we would still be talking right now. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I like stalk his page, only to find more hoochies on his top friends and more new pictures that only lead me to crying.
I can't help it. And feel free to flame away for me thinking like this. I still see my counselor. But she can only tell me words on what to do. It can't make the feelings actually go away. I don't want to feel this way. I want everything to be like it was. I want him. The 'addiction' gene runs in my family .... & I am pretty sure I am addicted to him.
So that is that ...It's sad to say. But I have really come to the conclusion I will be single forever. FML.