Thursday, January 21, 2010

My Guardian Angel

The first time I met him was back in April of last year. I was about 4 months pregnant at the time. I call him my guardian angel because in my heart that is exactly what he is to me. He saved my life that night in April and for that he is my guardian.

April 15, 2009 I had gone to the Awakening Conference at this church, NewLife Worship Center, my cousin was trying to get me to go to. I had come home to an empty house, so I got in my car and left to go look for Javier. I figured he was either at Wendy's or Subway. I went to Dunkin and decided to text him to see where he was. He was across the street at Subway. I told him I would be there in 2 minutes cause I was next door, then he said he had left to go to the gas station up the street.

So I drove my car up to the gas station, only to find them trying to leave as I pulled in. I sped up and stopped next to their car. Javier and me had a blowout fight, then he got out of my car and left with Jaimie and Alissa. I got wicked upset and peeled out onto Rt. 2 and started driving to the lake. The lake was a place I would always go to just clear my head, and when I didn't want to be bothered. Little did I know, God had a different plan for me that night.

I arrived at the lake around 11pm. I couldn't stop crying. I just wanted to scream. About 15 minutes after I showed up, a car drove in. It was just me and him parked inside our cars. For an hour I was just sitting there, thinking how I got to this place. Why me? Why was God doing this to me? How could I have been so blinded by Javier that I couldn't or wouldn't just leave. I quickly thought about just driving my car into the lake, just ending it all. I saw no light ahead of me, so why not? Javier had already started to abuse me by this point. I didn't know which way was up anymore.

I got out of my car and walked over to this persons car, he was standing outside. I wiped my tears and asked if he had a tissue. I really did need a tissue, because I could barley breath, but deep down I needed somebody to talk to, even if it was a stranger. He told me he didn't have one, but he had a sweatshirt. I don't know why he even said that, I wasn't going to blow my nose on his sweater? But whatever. I started to walk away, kind of disappointed that he didn't even care to ask if I was okay.

I got to my car and I heard him yell "Hey." I turned around ... "Are you okay?" He started to walk towards me.

His name is James and he saved my life. That might sound a little dramatic to some, but he did. And I'm not talking about he saved my life because I thought of suicide for a split second. I could never honestly kill myself anyways. He saved my life because I think deep down inside I would of died that night, because Javier would have killed me.

Around 12:30am Javier sent me a message "My Love, I am just going to sleep here tonight. I love you my love goodnight :("

That was it, I was pissed. I'm pregnant and alone and you don't even have the decency to come home at night because you think that weed is more important than our future family? Oh no. I replied, "Well Javier, if you can sleep there you can live there too because I'm not having this bullshit anymore of you not coming home. Goodnight."

The conversation lead to me eventually telling Javier I was going to go pack all his shit and throw it all on Jaimie's lawn. (Jaimie lived with her aunt and uncle at their house) He flipped out. Our conversation lead to violence. Somewhere along these lines he told me "Amanda, I swear to God, I swear on me, you, my brothers, my sister, my daughter, my son, the baby inside you, my mother, my father, my grandmother that if you come here tonight I will kill you. I will fuck you in the ass with a beer bottle. Then I will drive your car into the water with you inside. I will go to your house and burn it down with your family inside of it. You better not fucking come here."

Now I talked to my therapist about this night. She told me that there is a difference between somebody saying they are going to kill you and somebody saying they are going to kill you and tell you how they plan to do it. Because of what she knows about my situation, she thinks if I went to Jaimie's that night I could of been seriously hurt, or dead.

James stayed with me at the lake that night til 4 in the morning. He talked me to. He listened to me and watched as I cried. I didn't hug him, I didn't even touch him. I couldn't give him my number to check on me the next day. He understood why though. To me, a simple hug would have been cheating in my eyes. I don't cheat, so I didn't hug. The only thing I gave James that night was a promise. I promised to not go to Jaimie's that night, I promised to wait until the morning after.

We went our separate ways that night. And every time I go to the lake, I think of him and that night.

This is the lake. & That is James.

James found me on facebook, and I told him we should meet up so I can catch him up on what happened since I saw him on that night in April.

Maybe if I actually did go to Jaimie's nothing serious would of happened to me, but from what has happened in the past, maybe it would of happened. But I like to think that James somewhat saved my life that night. He, a total stranger, cared enough about another stranger to just ask what was wrong. And for that I will always thank him.

I think God set that whole thing up though. That night I came home from that Awakening Conference not really knowing about what or how I felt about that church. And when I told him where I was earlier that night he turned to me and said, "My sister was at that Conference tonight too." I instantly got the goosebumps, I knew, I felt that it was a sign. - I like to believe that God set that up. Because honestly, knowing Javier, who knows what could of happened if I went to Jaimie's that night. Who knows.

But James knew enough to at least stop me for that one night.


  1. Hey, I read your blog sometimes when I see you on the bump. (xcjen06 on there) You seem like you are such a good mom, I wasn't sure how you got in this situation but now I know and we had been a similar (not exactly the same) situation with the fathers of our children.
    I know that this has to be tough for you but thank you for writing and keep being a strong, beautiful person and a good mom!

  2. Thank you so much Jen! Nice comments like this lift me up! :)

    And you keep strong too, being a single mother is very rewarding but also very difficult!

  3. Javier is a piece of poo, but it sounds like this guy James has a good head on his shoulders. I am glad he was there for you that night. Keep the faith and instill it in Mia.

  4. I love the picture. And thank God for James.

    I totally get what you mean about God setting things up. I've been there too. I am so glad that Javier is out of your life. You deserve better than him.