Monday, May 3, 2010

Lord, I surrender ...

- First and foremost, I am sorry I suck at updating lately, I have been so tired from working. I promise I shall try to update you ladies more frequently.

Last April, my cousin more or so like a sister to me and her husband introduced me to my church at the Awakening Conference. Last April I was in such a bad place. And within a year's work with the Lord now by my side, it is just amazing how far I have come. I am truly blessed. At that time, as we all know I was with Javier. A selfish bitch is not even the best way to describe the 'old me.' But where I am today, is just amazing. It still feels so surreal. I was 17 and pregnant, I thought I knew everything, and I thought everything was going to work out in my favor. But I was wrong, and the Lord knew it too.

After leaving Javier I was heartbroken. I had my daughter whom I love with everything inside of me. I got back into church and was worshipping Jesus everyday. Desperately trying to figure out what was best for Mia and what was best for me, but also what was best for Javier. Even though I had God by my side, I was only giving the Lord part of me. Something was holding me back, I cannot figure out what it was, but I was being held back just a tidbit.

Awakening just passed again this year, and being back there just made me have flashbacks from last year's awakening conference. I sobbed the whole time, just thinking how fortunate I really am. The family and friends I have surrounding me. My beautiful daughter. A new job, college opportunities, everything. I am so thankful to the Lord for giving me these things in my life. But still, I did not give myself fully to God. That night at Awakening this year, Adam McCain was telling everybody to surrender. Surrender everything, relationships, goals, desires, plans, everything and anything.

As I walked up to the alter sobbing, I lifted my hand for Jesus and closed my eyes. I began to pray, I started to worship. I prayed for what the Lord has done for me within this last year and how far I have come. I prayed for my daughter, my family, even for my friends. I prayed that everybody in church that night including myself would just surrender. I surrendered that night.

As I stood there just praying, I opened my eyes and looked around. it was just amazing to see how many people were there that night. 1,008 to be exact. I stand there looking around with my hand in the air, I see this woman pushing through the crowd of all these people. I don't know what it was but I knew she was coming for me. That look in her eyes I don't think I could ever forget. i never got her name. But as she came pushing through, my heart dropped. She put her hands on me and started to pray, I don't even know what this lady was saying.

I just closed my eyes and prayed with her. My body became so weak, and i got so hot. My knees were just wobbling from left to right. I felt nothing like this ever before. Before I thought I had known what the Holy Spirit felt like inside of you. But until that night, now I KNOW what it feels like. That night I surrendered everything.

Secretly, before that night ... I will admit that I still wanted Javier. I still had hope. It didn't hurt me as much but I still couldn't let go of that little tiny bubble of hope. But that night I surrendered myself from Javier.

I always had this fear, anxiety if you wanna call it, that nobody would ever want me. After they knew about what happened to me with Javier and everything. The fact I am a single mother. Everything. I felt like nobody in this world could ever love me again, I would just be single forever. I would never get married and have that beautiful wedding I have always dreamed of. I surrendered myself from that thought.

Everything is in the Lord's hands. Mia does not need Javier as a father, because Jesus is her father. God will deliver everything I need in life.

I was so scared to be alone for the longest time, up until that night i was still scared. But I had only come to realize that when you choose to walk with the Lord, you are never really alone. God is always by your side.

My life is becoming more of a bliss each day.


  1. What an honest post! I was a single mother too at one point and it is scary but with a great church and God as your focal point you can do it.

  2. Beautiful. Give your worries and troubles to God, He WANTS you to need Him for everything in life. It is hard to completely give Him your infinite trust, but that is what He wants from us. Glad you're finding yourself able to surrender you're all to Him! It is so hard sometimes. :)