Daily, I was waiting for the time to pass and let everything fade in.
Though my patience with our situation drove me crazy, I managed to somehow pull my life together. Just as I was starting to do fine, you called. I was completely caught off guard. My prayers were finally answered, as though that's what it seemed at the time. You talked to me like you never have before. You took complete blame for everything and wanted to try things again. You didn't say anything about doing it now, instead you wanting to wait and get your life together. I was completely supportive.
Time passed as we grew to talking more and more. I became hooked again. You had me wrapped around your finger, and I think that you were aware of what you were doing. It is just a 360 turn for you. Maybe it's my own fault at times, because I have control on letting my guard down. And that is exactly what I did too soon, let my guard down.
God knows how much I really love you Javier. It's so hard these days to just forget about you, especially because we have conceived a child together. I believe that you love me or at least loved me at some point. But right now, the love is not right with you. My heart isn't my brain and I'm not quite sure how to explain all the nonsense we have been through to it. All I ever wanted was for us to work it out. I prayed, I kept faith, I hoped and I dreamed that it could all fall into place one day. And i'm not saying I'm giving up hope now, cause I'm not ready to let go yet.
What I am saying is that I can't let you control me. Dammit Javier, you have a way of controlling me, and your all the way in fucking Puerto Rico. How the hell does that happen? I wait by my phone, you know I do it. You control me by having me wait by the phone for a text or a call. I don't know how to get through to you. There are only so many walls you can build in front of me, I've tried and tried to knock them down. You just keep building them back up.
We are now back to square one. I can't deal. How could you call me, tell me that you want to work it out and all this other bullshit? Then suddenly call it quits? It doesn't make sense to me. If you honestly loved me, you would find a way to make it work. Your daughter Javier, your third child is ready to become a part of this world. How does it make you feel that you cannot witness her being born or for that sake even meet her?
I am seventeen years old Javier, and you're twenty-one. Once I got back from Puerto Rico I have done more shit within a 2 month period than you have done within a full year's period. Honestly Javier, I'm not being a bitch I'm just pointing out the facts here. All you do is waste your days smoking about 19+ blunts a day. Drinking now too. And God knows what else. Get yourself together, you're 21 and have a third child on the way!
It makes me even more upset when I KNOW you can do SO much with your life. I really believe you have the right knowledge and tools to get you by to succeed. But you choose not to do anything. Why? It almost makes me sad. You have no motivation Javier, you need to get some. Time is running out. You have the possibility of jail time if you don't find a job to pay Karla child support, and let me tell you sweetie your dad isn't going to keep giving Karla money every week. You're lucky Sue-hay hasn't come after you for child support after all this time.
I won't ask for your money Javier. I'm not going to be a vindictive bitch who just is enforcing the law on you just because I have a broken heart at the moment. If you choose to be in Mia's life, I hope you do. But don't think you can come around whenever you please, it's going to be scheduled time cause I don't want to fuck her head up. You wanna be a parent, fine, at least be an active participating parent for her.
I want you to change. I want to be back together with you again. Right now though, it's just not the right time. I still have faith in you Javier. And you will forever have a place in my heart as the father of my child and my first unconditional love.But for now I can't be hurt anymore, I can't let myself get down again. I finally just picked myself up off the ground after everything that happened, and you just kind of knocked me down again. I'm getting back up, because I have to.
Nobody will ever understand truly how I personally feel. Could we love again? Maybe. I can only meet you halfway though, you have to be fully willing to give yourself to me in the relationship. I can do that, but you cannot right now. You have issues deeper than I could ever understand, because you never let me in. I can't change you, I always knew I couldn't change you. I just held on to the hope of you changing one day. I still hold on to it.
For now though, it's best if we just don't talk. Until you can be mature about things. It kills me because I love you dearly but I know it's right for us. You still need time to yourself to let things sink in. You will forever have a piece of my heart Javier, know that. But I just can't do this right now with you.
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Sweetie, it is time for a reality check. He doesn't love you nor your poor child. He has two other kids with two other women. What makes you think YOU are any different from the other two?
ReplyDelete((Manda))
ReplyDeleteThe best thing he could do for you would be to leave you alone for now. This guy is bad news, and he will do nothing but pull you and your child down.
You have your whole life ahead of you. You have a child that will look to you, so you need to be strong. You will meet someone who will love you and your child, and will be a part of your bright future.
One word: Counseling. You need counseling to get strong for your baby so you won't stay with an abuser, a manipulator, a controller. You deserve that (and of course so does your baby).
ReplyDeleteI know this. & I've been in counseling since I left him in Puerto Rico. It's gotten easier, but it doesn't mean it's still hard. I will get through it though, but you can't expect me to just turn the OFF button on him. It's hard when there is feelings involved and a baby. I wish it could be as simple as that, but in reality it isn't. At least for me.
ReplyDeleteYou're doing everything right. He's the one that needs help. I know you can't just turn off your love for him, but if I were you I wouldn't let him back until he gets into some Anger Management (+ any other requirements you have). Its one thing to hit you (which he obviously shouldn't have done for many, many reasons) but how would you feel if you accepted him back and he hit Mia? Especially if the only reason he hit her was for something babies do: crying. I'm a foster parent and get infants all the time who've been beaten for crying. I once had a baby for 2 months, the system decided the mother wasn't ready to have the baby back but the father was willing to take the baby in. TWO DAYS later the baby (not even a year old) died and had 22 broken bones. God knows what he did to that baby, but his reason? The baby "wouldn't shut up". The only reason I've allowed myself to tell you that story is because if Javier is willing to let his anger get such a hold on him that he ends up hitting a pregnant woman, there is NOTHING stopping him from hitting anyone or anything else.
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