10.10

That number has haunted me for the past 2 years of my life, no joke.

I never understood the significance of it. I was actually quite scared of the number for a long time. When I was in the hospital last year for a while dealing with depression, they told me I was going home on 10.10. I freaked out, I begged to stay longer in fear something 'bad' would happen if I had left that day. But the assholes discharged me anyways. Lol.

It's so weird, I used to wake up to that number on the clock. I would see it randomly when I went out. My total at the store sometimes came to it. I was freaked out. Thought it was a sign or some shit like that.

But only to find out that the number 10.10 was the day my daughter made her way into my world.

I forgot about the number for a while, but the other day my friend mentioned it to me. So weird how it all played out like that. I guess it was a sign in its own little way. Scared the shit out of me but who would of thought 2 years later I would of given birth to a child on that day. She was born at 10:07pm, I joke with my family on how I should of did that huge ass push 3 minutes later.

My daughter is my world. People often ask if I could turn back time would I have used better judgment? I tell them no because in my heart I truly believe she was sent to me for a reason. I don't regret her, she's not a mistake.

DB Photography 

She's my 10.10 miracle.

Pregnant.

Wait, before you start going off ... I'm not pregnant.

It's funny how not even 2 months ago, I was impatiently waiting to be un-pregnant. When I was pregnant, I wanted my outside baby horribly. I thought I hated being pregnant while I was actually pregnant.

And the people who have already had babies always told me that I would miss being pregnant. I thought they were nuts. On the upside to my pregnancy, I can honestly say despite the morning sickness & stress, I had a really easy pregnancy. My back never hurt, I didn't have to pee 38742 times a day, I slept wonderfully on my side-stomach like I usually do without any pillows.

I just was so impatient and I wanted to meet my baby so bad.

But now that I look at her, I sit in disbelief that I actually have a baby now. And the feeling is great, don't get me wrong. I love being a mother to this beautiful child. But I guess it's true, I miss being pregnant.

I feel like I didn't embrace all those flutters and kicks I would feel each day that passed. I miss my bump so much. Especially now because it's all loose skin I'm trying to make go away. Lol. Sometimes I still believe I am pregnant and forget and have to remind myself that Mia is sound asleep in the next room.

I look at Mia sometimes though, and I am just amazed at how beautiful this precious child is. She is just so innocent and dependent on me. And at times it gets really tough. I'm blessed to have a mother who is willing to help so much too. And yes it makes me sad that Javier isn't here to enjoy it neither. For a while I didn't want anybody's help, except for Javier's. I planned on just doing it by myself. But I'm glad I caved in because I think if I refused the offered help I would of shot myself in the head by now.

People understand the fact that 'it will be hard' when they are pregnant. But nobody really knows exactly how hard it is until the baby is born. And although it is no excuse but I can see how a mother would kill their babies. Sometimes people just get to that point and they're not thinking straight. The baby won't stop crying, you don't know what to do and they snap. It's horrible to hear but I can see how people get to that point.

I would never let myself get there. I'm not a fan of letting a newborn cry it out, but if I need to put Mia down for 5 minutes to get my head on straight again. I will do it.

But yes I do miss being pregnant, but at the same time I love having Mia actually here.

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On another subject. Infamous Javier.

I know that a lot of you women think I'm the typical 17 year old teenager. And everybody thinks I am a complete moron for wanting to be with him still. All of you are knocking me about being a mom also and what I need to do for a better life with Mia.

Yes I miss Javier terribly. Yes I WISH that he could change so it would be okay for us to be the family I hope and wish for. & Yes, I am an idiot.

But I believe you guys lack to see what I am saying.

I left Javier in Puerto Rico. Left him. He is no where near arms reach of me or Mia. That was a huge step for me. And I like to commend myself for that because for once I wasn't thinking about myself, I was thinking about Mia. I went back to school and got my GED. I decided on GED because it was the fastest way I could actually graduate before the baby came. I needed to get that out of the way. If I had enrolled back into school I would of just been 2 years behind from missing almost all my junior year. I am starting college in either the spring or the fall at the latest. Right now I am home and my mom is financially supporting us. But I'm in the process of finding a job. And I don't think I need to explain to you about economy.

I am trying. I am trying to make a better life for myself so I will be able to take care of me and Mia on my own one day without my mothers help. I know that being with Javier is bad for me now. I know this people. And all of you sit there and tell me that I need to grow up. I did grow up a lot in the past nine months. But excuse me for missing somebody that I truly, honestly, and deeply fell in love with.

You expect me to just turn off the switch, right? No, it's not that friggen easy. Yeah it's really not. I don't expect you guys to understand the way I am feeling, because you simply have not gone through it.

My mom's friend was abused by her boyfriend for many many years. I always thought her mom was so stupid for letting it go on. But then I got involved with Javier and things were perfect for us. I fell especially hard because he was my 'net' while everything at home was falling apart for me. Then I got pregnant and that's when it began. But Javier had already had me at that time because I was pregnant with his child. Plus I loved him and thought it wouldn't happen again.

I was wrong. But until I went through it, I NEVER understood why people would deal with it. Now I do. And it's not easy.

As for dating. I'm not looking. I'm talking about the future. And I honestly feel that way. Like I will never find somebody because I'm always going to be stuck on Javier. And maybe I won't. But for now that's how I feel. I feel like I can never get back into the dating scene, because I'll always be hung up on him. Or I'm too self conscious of how I look now.

That is all.

I Surrender.

Tonight, I am surrendering. I have made it clear in my head that I will be single. Forever.

I will not meet a guy who is just going to sweep me off my feet. I just won't. And I am just about so close to be sick over how people tell me I will find somebody. I will not. Seriously, who wants to be with somebody like me? I wouldn't. I have a child now, it changes everything. Nobody wants a girlfriend with a kid at my age. Nobody wants to settle down as much as I do at my age. Nobody is going to want to make love to a girl who has a jello pooch in her stomach and who has a vagina that is all kinds of weird now.

It is just not going to happen.

& If it magically did. I wouldn't let it. I would push that person away, because he is just not Javier. I believe that I will always compare the next guy to Javier. And they will not live up to the standards. And hold on, wait a minute, before you start going off. Standards? What the standards that he beat me and this and that? Not those ones. Just the way Javier was before everything went to shit. And even after it went to shit, the making up part was at its highs sometimes.

This is going to sound sick. But it's almost like I miss the 'making up' part. Where everything was almost perfect after he had hit me. Where I liked hearing him cry at night while he held me after the fighting had stopped. I miss the way he could have been.

But everything is ruined. And sometimes I think to myself, well what if I had just stayed that one last time. It might of been different. He wouldn't of hit me anymore. It was already out in the open, people would of known if he had ever hit me again, so he wouldn't of done it. I look at Mia and feel guilty, for taking her father away from her. I should of tried harder.

He started to hit me again down there because I missed my home life. I should of shut up. I should of just sucked it up.

While I was down in PR though I had read my bible. I was missing my family. I shut my bible and looked at it. I said in my head "God send me a sign, I need to see something. Let me open up to any page and let it teach me something." I open up my book. And I don't feel like going upstairs to get it right now but in a nutshell it was something like this .. One person asked if he could just leave his wife. Talking about how divorce is only for when commits adultery. Then it goes on to how a man needs to leave his family behind and be with his wife. - Something of that nature. Then it clicked with me. I had to leave my family, to be with Javier. Right?

I didn't know what to think. So now here I am, I left him. Did I do the wrong thing?

It's just that, everything I do never seems right, or good enough. I'm starting to blame myself. Maybe if I never deleted Javier from myspace, we would still be talking right now. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I like stalk his page, only to find more hoochies on his top friends and more new pictures that only lead me to crying.

I can't help it. And feel free to flame away for me thinking like this. I still see my counselor. But she can only tell me words on what to do. It can't make the feelings actually go away. I don't want to feel this way. I want everything to be like it was. I want him. The 'addiction' gene runs in my family .... & I am pretty sure I am addicted to him.

So that is that ...It's sad to say. But I have really come to the conclusion I will be single forever. FML.

One month.

Boy, does time fly by.

Mia is already a month and 3 days. It's crazy. Whoever is still pregnant out there, enjoy it because I miss being pregnant. Not saying that I hate having an outside baby, but I just miss being pregnant in general. If I could be pregnant right now and keep Mia outside of the ute, I would. Yes I'm a little on the crazy side haha.

She is getting so big though. So much has changed since the hospital. More and more she grow into her tiny little features. 

Ahh so darling! She is really such a good baby though. I was truly blessed from God. I seriously thought God was going to punish me with a child that was colic and stayed up all night. Nope total opposite. Although she does get gas sometimes, and has her fussy periods. She sleeps through the night most of the time and if she does wake up, it's only once. She is the perfect baby anybody could ever ask for.

Postpartum is a bitch. That's all I have to say about that, and I hope it doesn't last forever.

Things with Javier turned out to be a complete and total FAIL. He will not change. In his mind, getting a job and going back to school makes him a changed man. No, absolutely not Javier. He may have taken steps to better his life, but he is none yet, the same person.

We are at war with each other now. I deleted him off of myspace and he freaked out. Too bad, you should of answered my messaged when you had the chance. We're not on speaking terms, and that's probably for the best. As much as I miss him and wishes things would work out, I am so over the bullshit he keeps throwing at me. So I showed him the door, and he wasn't too happy.

So this is what I did.

And now this is me.

 

Happy as a pig in shit. Haaaaa. "Guys are like buses, next one comes in 15."

Hopefully I will find somebody who knows how to treat me right. Who will love me for the way I am, and love the shit out of my beautiful daughter. Although I am not anywhere jumping back into the 'dating' scene anytime soon. I do wish God will send me somebody to help me get over dirtbag over there. Cause that's the only way I think I will get over him, is to find somebody else.

I am nervous though to get back into the groove of dating. It feels like it's been forever.At time I feel like I won't find somebody though, just because I'm so young and I already have a daughter. My body is NOT the same it used to be, and God only knows my vagina isn't the same anymore. So I am wicked nervous for the next guy I meet. I don't know what to say to him, or how to begin to even explain my situation. It's a mess.

But, I will survive. (I wanna get that tattooed on the back of my neck, lmao)

I Love You Amanda Phillips.

So I had this waiting for me one day on my myspace from Javier.

"Idk how to start here... I know that i was the one who did it wrong, but i'm so mad at myself for that and i know that i can just get my life together like your telling me to.....   and that's what i'm gonna do, i just need sometime cuz right now things are going so bad in Puerto Rico...   it's none works, no money for beca, and the streets are really bad... But i got nothing else to do to make some money so that's what i'm doing right now.....   just keep me on  your ORACIONES 

I LOVE YOU AMANDA PHILLIPS"

Yet you do nothing to prove it.

Yes Javier, you have enrolled back into school, I think that's great and I'm really happy. Next you got a job and you start Monday, again I'm really proud of you.

You tell me to give you time, I can do that. I can literally wait forever for you, which is sad but I can. So I am giving you time. 

You tell me you love me though, & last week on the phone you tell me "If you don't think you can wait for me just tell me Amanda." I assured you that I am willing to wait and I'm not going to fuck around on you while I wait. I told you the same, if you wanna work it out then work it out. But if you can't wait cause you have to go get your dick wet then tell me cause I'm not trying to be played by a fool.

But It kills me how I go on your myspace and you posted these new pictures up. You never told me you got a tattoo of your first daughters name on your chest. And I'm not trying to be the jealous mom over here, but it would of been nice to know ahead of time. You have all these pictures up on your myspace of Jadielys but none of Mia? I don't get it.

Now I see that your myspace is all fixed up now, and you have more pictures of your other daughter, still none of Mia. And next to Jady's name you say "This is my QUEEN." Okay I'm sorry, what about Mia?

And I love how your fucking myspace still says your single? I'm sorry I thought you wanted to work it out with me? Seriously. And the other new pictures of you with your shirt of flexing your muscles? "There's something sexy right?" Who the fuck are you trying to impress asshole. If I wasn't a goddamn mother I would go take a fucking picture of my ass and my tits and post them up on there and caption them as "Now THERE is something sexy." You are pissing me off here.

THEN, the corker is when the other week you say I never talk to you anymore. Okay I have been trying to get a hold of you for the past week, no fucking reply. I message you on myspace, and you read them but no reply. What the fuck is up dude?

I am so ready to fucking delete you off of myspace cause looking at your page gives me anxiety.