Rainy nights with nothing to do.

Another rainy night and absolutely nothing to do. Although I could be sleeping, but who wants to sleep?

So my last post was a story about a stupid boy as we all know by the name of Rico Suave (Ha!) Anyways, when he told me that it looks like I've been gaining weight, I laughed it off. Only later on, it really got me thinking. I sat in the mirror for about 25 minutes just looking, and touching my muffin top and my love handles, which is pretty pathetic. So I've concluded that every time I want to eat 5 cookies, I'll only eat 2. :(

I wouldn't call myself 'fat' because in all honesty I'm not 'fat' ... ya know I just have some extra meat. Who doesn't love that?

And no offense to the supermodel skinny girls who read my blog, but America has this vision of the perfect girl having to look like a twig with tennis balls for boobs. I'm just natural, a natural beauty with a 'real' body and huge boobies? Either way I am natural.

But lately I have been feeling 'off' with myself. I've been so tried, like forreal, all i want to do is sleep. I'm not sure if this is depression creepin' back up in my life or what, but whatever it is it needs to go away. My best friend and her boyfriend just had a baby not too long ago. They're both my age (18) and her boyfriend is the only one who is working. They told me they are getting an apartment soon (which I am so happy for them) but it made me take a step back and look at where I'm at:

1. Enrolled into college for this fall.
2. Quit HS, but got my GED ... WITH honors ;)
3. Started my new job at Citizen's bank (I'll talk about this job soon)
4. Living with my mother rent free
5. This should be my first, but I am INVOLVED in church. And in love with the Lord.

Which is okay I guess. But when I heard they could afford to move out on their own, I got jealous almost. I basically felt like I failed as a person, as a mother, because 1. I cannot afford my own place and 2. I am a single mother.

I thought about this for days straight .... failing my duties as a person and a mother and this whole stupid weight comment Rico Suave made the other night. So I talked to another friend about how I was feeling, and she reminded me of something - God & his plan for me.

Yes, God's plan especially designed for ME. I was so caught up in worrying about the way I looked or how I potentially failed at life because I can't move out of my mom's house yet. It was just objects of Satan trying to distract me from the real thing here - which is God's plan. Now I'm not sure what his plan is. But what I do know is that I have done the best I can for myself and Mia so far. I am working and going to school. I am doing all the right things right now, so my own place is just going to have to wait. And within time a  blessing will come my way.....

Letting myself go ...

So let's talk about this picture ...

So this is my new default picture on facebook and myspace. Honestly, I freaking hate myspace now, the only reason I keep it is because of Javier's family. I could care less if I talk to Javier or not these days, which is a good thing I believe. But anyways, I love his family because they were good to me when I was living down there, and every once in a while I will get a message from them seeing how me and Mia are doing.

Sooo about the picture, yeah it's definitely not a great one of me that's for sure. I look wicked tired and apparently I look fat. Lmao.

Last time I talked to Javier was about 2 months almost 3 months ago maybe? I'm not exactly sure, but it's been a while. Our last conversation did not end on good terms because he is just thick headed. But anyways, the other night he tried to myspace chat me but I ignored it. Then last night he myspace chat me again by sending me some video of the song "Creep" by Radiohead? Not really my style in music, but I listened to it, but never replied back to him.

Then he kept messaging me and messaging me. "You don't wanna talk right? That's cool." Ignore. "Well I just wanted to let you know I was in the hospital cause I had h1n1 but I'm better now" Ignore. "I don't understand why even be friends on myspace if you're not gonna talk to me Amanda?" So I caved in and just replied back and asked him about the whole h1n1 thing. Blah blah blah.

Anyways, it took him forever to finally ask about Mia, probably 25 minutes into the conversation <--Loser. He told me he's going to church and that God loves him the way he is, so he is continuing to smoke weed. (I had to just keep my mouth shut there because whatever I told him about God and weed would just not process into his brain far enough that he would actually quit.) He's not working anymore, and waiting to go to school. Typical. And I'm sure once he starts school he will stop going. He is suppose to go for some medical field study in college, yet he dropped out of barbershop classes because they were ''too hard.''

Back to the picture showed above .... He randomly said to me 'Heyy, I saw your picture, and it looks like you're gaining weight, you're not taking care of yourself, that isn't good.' I laughed so hard when I read those words. Yes okay, I am not a skinny person, I wasn't even before I was pregnant I always had a little chub to me, plus I am very big chested - as you can see. But the funny thing is, my weight NOW is actually a tad bit less than from before I got pregnant. My body just looks totally different now. I defintely need to go to the gym and tone up those abs, but who is he to say i am letting myself go. Why don't you try to be a single mom, while working and preparing for school 24/7 and see how often you have time to go workout? Lmao

This post became more of a vent almost, but it was a good laugh for me. I think it's funny how he said that to me after sending me that video I mentioned before - The song basically is saying that "I" am perfect and an angel and ''he'' is a creep and weirdo?

Yes Javier, you are a weirdo. Lmao.

Wordless Wednesday.

-Okay just a few words, I never do Wordless Wednesdays but maybe I will start.

Don't you just look goofy pictures with the babes? I sure do. Lol

Vote Vote Vote for Mia!!!!

Okay so I need your ladies help, PRONTO!
Since most of us agree Mia is the most cutest baby in the world (just kidding, but she is cute you can't deny that!) I need you all to VOTE for my babygirl!

Wanna know what happens if Mia's picture wins? I get a FREE photography session with them! So exciting! So PLEASE I ask you all to just VOTE for my baby. It's so easy too!

All you have to do is log into your FaceBook page,  Like this Page then go to Mia's picture and like that too! Simple and easy, I swear it will only take 10 seconds of our time!

So get to it Ladies, Please!

Good News Tuesday!

So it's almost 2am here in Little Rhody and I just got out of work.

Just a short story here real quick that I feel I should share - I was driving home from work and I finally pull into the driveway. FYI, my interior light doesn't work, fml. But I keep feeling this little tingle on my hand. So I put my hand up to the light from the moon, none the less a spider, I freaked out. I jumped out of the car and started screaming. I think I woke up some neighbors. I jumped right in the shower I felt so creeped out lol.

Anyways, yeah I needed to really share that, because as I sit here typing this out that's all I can think of and I can't stop laughing of how I must of looked outside jumping around screaming.

I do have good news to share though!

First I have found a new job opportunity at Citizen's Bank doing customer surveys. The pay is so much better than at Dunkin Donuts and the hours are a little less, but either way I will still be taking more money home! I'm just waiting for my BCI's to clear and I'm all set to start! I'm so excited, but I'm nervous about quiting Dunkin.

The other part of my good news is about Michael. Remember me talking about him a few posts back? Yeah well anyways ... I would just like to share that a few Sundays ago he came up and gave me a HUG. Which is kind of random cause he never touched me before, usually it's just a handshake if anything lol. And this past Sunday I went up to him after church and Mia was getting cranky in my arms and he rubbed her back and said "Aww what's wrong? Aww you're so beautiful!" haha I melted!

Then I asked him, "Michael i have a questionnn, can you explain to me how to put air in tires cause I need to go do that?" He thought about it for a minute and goes "Uhmm well give me a few minutes and I can go with you to the Shell station if you want, and I'll do it for you there." :) :) :) :)

So we went and he's putting air in my tires and he's checking all the pressures on everything and what not. All cute and stuff haha. Mia is passed out in the backseat thank God. He starts saying "Amanda you should get your tires rotated ... like really soon" Lol so I was saying "Yeah I know and I need to get a stupid oil change cause I am like 10,000 miles overdue haha." And he goes "I'll check your oil too." I told him not to though because he was nicely dressed and he said he didn't care so he did it anyways.

Oh and BTW, my oil was good for now! :)

That's basically it though, nothing spectacular, but the whole story with Michael makes me smileee :) I just wish I knew if he liked me or not though. Not that I care how long it takes, but I don't want to spend my time getting excited every Sunday I get to see him at church and everything, KWIM? Hahaa, everybody says he likes me because if he didn't he wouldn't go out of his way to help me or he wouldn't care to ask certain questions you know? But I guess I am just good at second guessing everything. We will see what happens next with this kid!

Jesus is my Lord & Savior....

.... Was my confession tonight to the Lord before I was completely submerged underwater.

I was baptized tonight, for the first time as an adult. Completely amazing experience. I couldn't believe how much of an impact tonight could make on a person. Growing with the Lord day by day is amazing and yet so unbelievable that I can barley comprehend it all.
I wish I had pictures of it, but the pictures my mom took are so crappy haha. And they are far far away. But thankfully my church video documented the whole thing and pretty soon I should receive a DVD of it.

It was completely amazing though. About 30 members of my church tonight along with me got baptized. We all had to arrive extra early because each of us had to record on video a short message of why we decided to get baptized.

As we walked up to the alter where the pool of Holy water awaited us, our video message would be playing on the big screens. I was freaking out because I don't like talking into a camera, especially when I have had no practice or anything.

I was so nervous before he started recording me, but suddenly it just came from my heart. I just started to spill my heart out and managed to say something along these lines ...

 "Hi my name is Amanda and I am getting baptized tonight because the Lord saved my life before I was even saved myself. And I want to thank God tonight by getting baptized and letting him take control in my life from now on."

My parents came, and brought Mia of course, I was so happy to see them there, it's kind of a miracle they both came actually so I was really happy. So many people from church came just to support me and see me be baptized, I was shocked. So many people came up to my parents and started talking about me and how they see God doing greats things for me.

Everybody was crying, some lady came up to me crying I didn't even know her. She was just sobbing at what I said and everything, congratulating me on being baptized.

The experience was just amazing and I'm so glad to be apart of it.

Where in the world ...

Did those 7 months go? Seriously.

Happy 7 months Mia!

7 Months just doesn't seem real to me. At 2 months all I kept thinking was its going by fast. But in all honestly 2 months she was still a baby baby! Pretty soon I'm going to be planning her first birthday party and sending out invites! Now seriously, where has the time gone?

Truth is, right now I have so much thought in my head that I can't even type it out. I love this little girl so much, more than words could ever say. The only thing I regret, which is kind of silly in my opinion, but I regret not watching Mia be born with a mirror. I missed the most magical site anybody could ever witness. But I was too scared, cause I thought it would hurt more watching myself getting ripped open down there. Other than that I would not have changed a thing.

In her cute little overall jean dress.

Okay so I look like a hot mess, I had gotten out of work and not showered yet.

Yes, I know, gross. But Mia's face is priceless. Haha!

Anyways, I am sleep deprived from work and Mia. Lol so I can't think straight these days. So bare with me people!

I don't regret anything

I do not regret anything from my past.

I can openly talk about my past to people, because I realize that my past is my testimony to the Lord. What doesn't break me can only make me. And with what happened in my past, it has definitely made me the person I am today.

I realize that I have made my choices in life, but what is so wonderful about the Lord is that no matter what I did, whether it was smoking weed, premarital sex, or killing somebody (just an FYI, I never killed anybody) God will accept me if I repent to his word.

God doesn't pay attention what is going on in your head. He does not judge you on what you're thinking. He looks at what is inside of your heart. I am no where near perfect, and even though I strive to be like a Christ-like figure I am not. But I try, every single day to do the right thing even if it is so hard.

Tonight after my pathway class, some people just gathered around to chat, I was one of them. I saw some new faces tonight. So as I stood with my dear friend Tami as she talked to another woman there, she was talking briefly how her son's father is battling addictions. As we all walked away I mentioned something about how Javier battled addictions (even though Javier didn't really act upon quitting at the time, but he was addicted to weed.) She asked if I was still with him, and I said No, unfortunately he beat me while pregnant and I finally decided to leave him one day. She looked at me and said 'Will you please talk to my friend here tonight?"

Her friend came over and we got to talking. I told her what I had gone through. Now her friend is a lot older than me, 28 I believe she said. And as she looked at my teary eyed, she told me that she just got staples out of her head because of her boyfriend who is now in jail.

It's just amazing how God knows when and where to place certain people. With me coming out of that place a year ago and her just coming out of it since last week. He knew that I needed to talk to her, that is why I stayed so long after class.

What happened in my past is horrible, and nobody should ever have to go through that. But reality is that people do go through it, they are going through it right now. And if I have to tell everybody in the world  what happened to me and explain that it's hard but you will and can get through it with the Lord's help, than I am happy because tonight I helped one girl open up her eyes just a little bit more.

If this is my reason to be here today, than I am thankful that I have already helped one person. And I will continue to help more people as time passes.

Oh Mia!

Oh Mia are the only words I could say while I stood there talking to Michael this afternoon and Mia projectile pukes across the room. OMGosh.

You remember me mentioning Michael a while back right? Well before you get all happy for me, don't cause I'm not dating him or anything haha. I kind of took a wild chance today and went to go surprise him and play dumb at his work.

He works at his dad's restaurant, Michelangelo's. So today I called my best friend and was like "I am feeling a little forward today, wanna do something with me?" Of course my partner in crime, Lourenco, said yes! So as we are on our way to go out to eat my stomach is in my throat haha. I felt so ridiculous.

We get to the place, and I didn't see his car. Then I look a little further and I see his motorcycle, I was like Oh man he is here I'm gonna be sick Lourenco, I can't do this! So she's all encouraging me to be confident and just play it off as nothing.

So we walk in there and Mia is in my arms, I'm pretending to text on my phone, and Lourenco was first to order her food. So I'm just like screaming on the inside while I try to play cool looking at the menu board. I hear Michael's voice, "Oh Hey Amanda!" I turn around, and I'm like Oh heyyy Michael! I didn't know you worked at this one? I thought you told me you worked at Delicilizo or whatever it is? And he's like Oh no, I work here.

So Lourenco jumps in and was like "Oh yeah we just came from visiting my boyfriend and he said to come here cause you guys had like the best sandwiches!" Lol she's so silly sometimes.

So he turns to me and was like "What are you having." And I'm like "I just want turkey on bread Nothing else, I'm a picky eater." And he smiles and he's like "Do you want a soft roll?" I was like Yeah that's fine. Then he looks up and he's like "Do you like pickles?" And I laughed and I was like No not since I got pregnant with Mia.

All of a sudden Mia projectile pukes onto the floor. I was like Oh My Gosh, this is not happening. Lmao So I'm like Oh God I'm so Sorry Michael I'm so sorry. He's all like it's okay do you need napkins? I'm like no I got it. Ugh it was so embarrassing!

Anyways, so we ate in peace, Michael pointed out that he had a highchair for Mia. And he even served us our food! They usually don't do that, it's kind of like a subway you just grab your food at the counter. Lol then he came and cleaned up our plates and everything, as he came over to my table he goes "Can I clear that out for ya Missy?"

I busted out laughing, I thought that was so sweet. I was like "Missy?" And he started laughing. Then we left, and as we left, stupid Lourenco beeped the horn to say goodbye lmao.

So that was it, nothing too exciting, just a story I wanted to share!

--------

Did you guys know that Mia is crawling?! It's so freaking cute! I can't stand it. She's not even 7 months either, plus she is still a peanut, so it looks weird lol. She's crawling, pulling herself up on EVERYTHING, and cruising around the coffee tables in my house.

You can see her crawling here ---> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Dn6IEpA1h4
Also a video of Mia talking here ---> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7GlFRW66_8

& Just since I have been slacking in the picture department too, here are some updated picture of Mia!

Ah I can't even stand the cuteness!

This is Lourenco and Mia! ... Mia looks a little devilish here.

Lord, I surrender ...

- First and foremost, I am sorry I suck at updating lately, I have been so tired from working. I promise I shall try to update you ladies more frequently.

Last April, my cousin more or so like a sister to me and her husband introduced me to my church at the Awakening Conference. Last April I was in such a bad place. And within a year's work with the Lord now by my side, it is just amazing how far I have come. I am truly blessed. At that time, as we all know I was with Javier. A selfish bitch is not even the best way to describe the 'old me.' But where I am today, is just amazing. It still feels so surreal. I was 17 and pregnant, I thought I knew everything, and I thought everything was going to work out in my favor. But I was wrong, and the Lord knew it too.

After leaving Javier I was heartbroken. I had my daughter whom I love with everything inside of me. I got back into church and was worshipping Jesus everyday. Desperately trying to figure out what was best for Mia and what was best for me, but also what was best for Javier. Even though I had God by my side, I was only giving the Lord part of me. Something was holding me back, I cannot figure out what it was, but I was being held back just a tidbit.

Awakening just passed again this year, and being back there just made me have flashbacks from last year's awakening conference. I sobbed the whole time, just thinking how fortunate I really am. The family and friends I have surrounding me. My beautiful daughter. A new job, college opportunities, everything. I am so thankful to the Lord for giving me these things in my life. But still, I did not give myself fully to God. That night at Awakening this year, Adam McCain was telling everybody to surrender. Surrender everything, relationships, goals, desires, plans, everything and anything.

As I walked up to the alter sobbing, I lifted my hand for Jesus and closed my eyes. I began to pray, I started to worship. I prayed for what the Lord has done for me within this last year and how far I have come. I prayed for my daughter, my family, even for my friends. I prayed that everybody in church that night including myself would just surrender. I surrendered that night.

As I stood there just praying, I opened my eyes and looked around. it was just amazing to see how many people were there that night. 1,008 to be exact. I stand there looking around with my hand in the air, I see this woman pushing through the crowd of all these people. I don't know what it was but I knew she was coming for me. That look in her eyes I don't think I could ever forget. i never got her name. But as she came pushing through, my heart dropped. She put her hands on me and started to pray, I don't even know what this lady was saying.

I just closed my eyes and prayed with her. My body became so weak, and i got so hot. My knees were just wobbling from left to right. I felt nothing like this ever before. Before I thought I had known what the Holy Spirit felt like inside of you. But until that night, now I KNOW what it feels like. That night I surrendered everything.

Secretly, before that night ... I will admit that I still wanted Javier. I still had hope. It didn't hurt me as much but I still couldn't let go of that little tiny bubble of hope. But that night I surrendered myself from Javier.

I always had this fear, anxiety if you wanna call it, that nobody would ever want me. After they knew about what happened to me with Javier and everything. The fact I am a single mother. Everything. I felt like nobody in this world could ever love me again, I would just be single forever. I would never get married and have that beautiful wedding I have always dreamed of. I surrendered myself from that thought.

Everything is in the Lord's hands. Mia does not need Javier as a father, because Jesus is her father. God will deliver everything I need in life.

I was so scared to be alone for the longest time, up until that night i was still scared. But I had only come to realize that when you choose to walk with the Lord, you are never really alone. God is always by your side.

My life is becoming more of a bliss each day.